


Smell the Ash Covered Roses

by ToxicSpeka



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware, Half Live VR But The AI Is Sentient, Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Black Mesa Sweet Voice, Blood and Violence, Gordom goes nonverbal when he gets stressed as a ref to actual halflife bc the bitch dont talk, I'm so sorry for the tags man I have no clue how tf this works, Panic Attacks, background boomer bc its not the main focus here but it Is there, darnold will eventually show up i promise, eventual benrey/gordon bc im gay, tagged as I go along
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:48:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25806877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToxicSpeka/pseuds/ToxicSpeka
Summary: Gordon wakes up on a train.He has no idea how he got there, why he's wearing a blue jumpsuit, or where the fuck 'city 17' is on a map, so guess it's time to buckle down and play along.(Hlvrai..................2!)(This is going to take a *long time* so buckle up for the ride. No schedule, frequent updates)
Comments: 35
Kudos: 130





	1. Rise and Shine

**Author's Note:**

> Im so sorry if the tags are fucked up, im trying my best man. Any advice is welcome and highly appreciated.

Nothing, then, everything.

That's all he could process at the moment. He was… existing, somewhere. It was dark. Or maybe his eyes were closed? Attempting to move them was far more of a hassle than he ever planned out, a slow, cold struggle of lifting his eyelids. As if they were made of lead and glued shut. It hurt to move them. It hurt to move,  _ period _ . It felt as if his arms were pinned to his sides and he'd been either laying down or standing up for hours on end. Everything was tense and sore, and a headache clawed at the back of his eyes. Throbbing, hammering, consistent. They finally opened, and he focused. Tried to, at least.

Was he wearing his glasses? Did that matter? He felt like he was being watched. Everything felt so heavy, but he kept trying to focus.

Actually, now that he was paying attention, there was… Colour? Or colours. Everchanging, never settling on one. He'd seen something similar before, he knew-- just, why the hell was it so painful to remember why? And where? Where the  _ hell _ was he and what the hell was going on!? And why the hell couldn't he  _ speak _ ?

He'd been having nonverbal episodes recently, only lasting a few minutes max, but this was different. He could open his mouth with only a bit of difficulty, breathe and hiss out air with only a few moments pause, but it was as if he didn't have the strength to speak. He was being prevented, held in place somehow.

It felt both familiar and foreign.

A warbling noise overtook every thought that ever had the chance to settle in his brain; loud, overpowering, grating in a sense that couldn't be  _ heard _ only  _ felt _ , as if the noise was bouncing within his skull itself and he was unfortunate enough to have a front row seat to the cacophony of pain. In short, it was shit.

"Rise and shine, Mr. Freeman. Rise. And. Shine."

The words blasted through the noise, eventually getting drowned out once more before something other than colours finally crossed his vision.

Eyes.

Two eyes, maybe a solid one inch away from his face in such high quality it made him want to vomit. Many shades and hues of green, blue, grey, and yellow filled his vision as the eyes darted back and forth, moving away and sweeping closer as if the owner was trying to study him. It was distressing, being watched so closely. Like he wasn't human. Like he was a marvel to look at. But, it was familiar, still…

It finally clicked who those eyes belonged to, and he tried to open his mouth to voice his thoughts again, as muddled as they were. No words came free. He looked worse for wear though, damn. The hell happened? He was sure the dude was  _ immortal _ or something, but he guessed even immortals were subject to stress. They weren't on the best of terms, that's all he remembered. For now. C'mon, Gordon, think!

"Not. That I wish to imply you have been sleeping on… The job." Gman, as he was  _ certain _ , continued. His skin looked so  _ pale _ , so  _ wrinkly _ . Had he never seen the sun? "No one is more deserving of a  _ rest _ . And, all the effort in the world would have gone to waste, until…"

The wheezing sigh Gman made was enough to make his numb skin crawl, a weak "ehh" escaping his throat at his pathetic attempt at voicing his disgust. Get a lozenge, would ya.

"Well, let's just say your 'hour' has… Come again." The world around him swirled and swelled with visuals he could barely make out, and Gman paused, as if letting him take it all in. That was nice, he guessed. At least it gave him a breather from all the noise happening, a break from the pins and needles caressing his senses. He felt muffled, physically. Mentally.

That testing chamber. The arching laser in the middle, flickering and snapping violently, burned through his mind and awakened a string of memories only slightly forgotten. The Resonance Cascade. It happened, right? So why did it hurt his head so much to try to remember more than those words? The colour orange was bright and vivid, it brought him the feeling of safety, somehow.

Gman moved closer, his face almost distorting, changing colour as if filters were plastered all over him until he was barely recognizable. Or maybe he was hallucinating, who knew? At this point, anything could be happening. He shuddered.

"The right man in the wrong place can make all the di-ffer-rence, in the world." He pronounced 'difference' as if it were a foreign word, harsh on the tongue. "So wake up. Mr. Freeman--" another wheeze-- "Wake up and… smell the  _ ashes. _ "

"It's 'smell the roses'," Gordon said. He said? When could he speak? Gman paused, mouth open for a second, before slowly shutting it.

"How… how did you say that?"

He shrugged, or at least tried to. He felt the phantom movement of his body doing the action, but he knew it didn't happen. Speaking became easier, now. "No clue. But like, where am I? Why are you in my mind and-- back up too, man. Personal space. It was like I was makin' out with your eyes man, and I'm not into that."

Gman took a singular step back within the pocket dimension, glancing back and forth for a second as if he was expecting someone to jump out at him. Empty space seemed to stretch out forever. "N… no, I…"

He cocked his head to the side, and Gman stuttered. There was a repetitive clicking noise, and Gordon looked down to see the man flicking the lock on his briefcase. The sight only filled him with dread.

"You'll… you'll figure it out."

And everything was gone. Ripped away by a train's roaring horn.

Gordon blinked and stood up straight, every sense coming back to him like a punch in the gut. He was on a train-- a  _ moving _ train, standing up and holding onto a pole instead of sitting in one of the many empty seats. The cold metal of the bar dug into his palm. His vision swam and his stomach did flips from the rocking motion of the train alone. It smelled musty and old, everything damp and dank looking. He had to squint to really look at anything, and hesitated only a moment before taking his glasses off to clean them. The place looked worse for wear. Not to mention the bullethole in one of the windows. Just like normal public transportation!

Every part of his body  _ ached _ something deep, rolling in and receding like a never ending sea. So, with a grunt, he pushed off the pole and started walking-- even if it was just to get blood pumping through his body again, he just needed to  _ move _ . Hell, fucking  _ breathing _ was difficult, what the hell even happened to him? Probably fucking Gman's doing, that guy still terrified him to this day. 

It felt like he was trying to walk with every single one of his limbs asleep, and probably looked even worse to others, but he was moving. Calm and steady.

He felt something touch his neck and flinched, carefully reaching up to feel for whatever it was just to frown. His hair was down. He barely ever wore it down unless he was at home, simply because it was so fucking long and always somewhat in the way. But, he didn't have a hair tie, rubberband, or enough dexterity in his right hand to braid it, so tying it up would have to wait 

A particular lurch from the train made him stumble for a seat, crashing down onto the old, stiff fabric with a half-hearted groan. Okay, note to self: Never walk on a moving train when you're dizzy, Gordon.

There were only two other people in the cart, dressed exactly the same in a blue jumpsuit, black shoes, and holding a briefcase. With a quick once over, he noticed he  _ also _ had a blue jumpsuit on, and wore black shoes. No briefcase, though. But… Was he wearing a jumpsuit last? Gordon was at  _ least _ 65% sure he hadn't been wearing a jumpsuit of all things. Did someone dress him up?? Or was it Gman? Hell, he didn't remember being on this train in the first place. Everything was so fucking hazy that even the semblance of 'thinking' caused a migraine. How awful.

Well, while he was here, he might as well be "friendly" and find out what the hell was going on.

"Howdy," Gordon greeted, waving a slightly dismissive hand to the man next to him. He gave him a tired look as the train chugged on.

"I didn't see you get on." The man hummed, turning to stare back out the window. To say he looked dead inside was an understatement. The lady on the far end of the train could say the same, with her arms crossed on top of the briefcase in her lap, and head ducked down. He  _ hoped _ she was asleep.

"You and me both." He said at last, standing up once more and following the man's lead in looking out the window. Everything passing by was too blurry to really make out, but he could at least tell that he was outside. Old looking buildings, dirty walls and random objects and surfaces. Another train.

They settled into an awkward silence, the other mentioning something about it being his third transfer that year, whatever  _ that _ meant, while they waited. He didn't have a reply to that. Eventually, their train crawled to a stop, the old thing shaking so much they were both thrown off balance. Granted, Gordon was a bit more unsteady on his feet right now, but seeing the man not react in the slightest was unfair. He held on steady while Gordon gripped onto the pole in front of him like his life depended on it.

"Whelp," the man said, ignoring Gordon's struggle and shrugging a shoulder as the door opened. "End of the line."

"Line...?" He asked, but neither waited for the other as they both stepped off the train and looked around.

How… Dreary.

It looked as if he was standing in some sort of city hall, courthouse, and school cafeteria all at once. Large and foreboding with an aura of dread. Trash and old papers littered the dirty floor, the old, high windows so caked in dirt and grime that the only light coming in was filtered with grey. Only the artificial light from the bulbs above provided  _ just _ enough to see. It was gross. It was distressing. It was surprisingly empty-feeling, even though it was teeming with people. Where the fuck  _ was _ he??

It smelled too strongly of cleaning chemicals for the place to look this worn down.

A bright flash overtook his vision and he coward away, taking his glasses off to scrub at his eyes as a whirring and clicking sound buzzed overhead. Gordon looked up and glared once his vision started to clear, putting his glasses back on to stare at the… Camera thing, as it flew around. It buzzed over to someone else and took a picture, and he frowned.

Oh, that guy from before was gone. Must've wandered off while he was musing, or when he got blinded by that camera.

There were many more jumpsuited people walking around, wandering aimlessly, pacing, conversing, or being harassed by guards. That last part came as a gross, painful shock, but he was in no position to stop them. Along with someone's distorted voice playing over loudspeakers, of course, came the quiet usual paranoid chatter you would hear in a courtroom. Everyone whispered, no one wanted to be there. He could barely make out anything anyone said, let alone the loudspeakers. So, with no other place to go, and the train at his side not going back anytime soon, Gordon followed the row of benches in various states of disrepair as he tried to listen in to the overhead.

Either his hearing wasn't up to speed just yet, or all he could really gather from the shitty, blown-out speakers was that he was in a place called "City 17" ,which was a  _ very _ cryptic name, and had been chosen to be relocated here. (Actually, it'd said "chosen,  _ or _ had been chosen", and honestly regarding his lack of memory he was sure it was the latter). Where he had been previously? Who knew. Not Gordon.

His feet carried him on, nervously and awkwardly waving to whoever looked his way. Look friendly enough, people will help you. Look clueless enough, they'll go easy. Someone said "good morning" to him in one of the most distorted, radio-static sounding voices possible, and he whipped his head around to see who only to see what looked like a white gasmask clad policeman, or guard. Their voice was much less pleasant to hear than just being ignored.

Every guard was dressed like that. Probably dress code. This jumpsuit was probably fucking dresscode, too.

Gordon passed by an aggressive guard harassing someone over their luggage and came to a tall turnstyle, belatedly noticing a woman leaning against the gate on the other side of it. She didn't look all the way there, looking around like she was searching for someone, but had a distant look to her. It fueled a nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach, like he was forgetting something, but he suppressed it enough and cleared his throat.

"Hello?" He asked, and she looked at him up and down, fingers curling around the metal. He couldn't tell if it was a threat.

"Were you the only ones on that train?" She asked, her voice sounding desperate but strained, as if she was trying to hide it from herself. Glad he wasn't the only one stressed the fuck out.

"Uh… yeah? I-- I think, it was just me and two others in my cart, I didn't-- didn't see anyone else, I didn't check the other carts." He babbled, getting used to talking again. His voice was rougher than he remembered, tongue feeling dry and too big for his mouth. Maybe he needed some water.

"The groups get smaller and smaller." She spoke, then looked away from him. He was going to ask more about it, but her nod of the head for him to continue through made him bite the inside of his cheek and move on. Guess he wasn't going to get anything else from her.

His mind was muddled as he trudged on, head down and trying to untangle the knots in his brain he tried to label as Memories. Resonance Cascade. What happened when he pushed the test sample into the laser too fast, though he  _ did  _ do it slowly, how much slower was "slower than molasses drips off a spoon"?

Who… Said that, actually? Someone said that to him, right before that incident. Someone important, right? And there was someone else. Multiple people. Four of them. And a dog.

He spotted a water cooler and made a beeline for it, grabbing a too-tiny styrofoam cup and moving to fill it. Just as soon as the water started to drain, his wrist was grabbed, making Gordon flinch and rip away from the hold. He splashed himself with water and crushed the cup in the process, turning to glare at the dude that held his wrist in a steady grip. Great.

" _ What--" _

"Don't drink the water." A man spoke, eyes locking onto his with such intensity that he was forced to look away. "They put something in it-- to make you  _ forget _ ."

"I'll… uh… remember that, man." He hissed, yanking free and speeding past. "...freak."

Okay, okay, he needed to get out of here. The people here were either rude, silent, or just fucking…  _ something else _ . Gordon turned his head long enough to see the man doing the same thing to someone else, who started to chug from the cup anyway. Honestly, who could blame them. Now his jumpsuit was slightly wet and he was getting cold, angry, and lost. The best of combinations.

There was an empty gated queue he wandered through, up to a group of guards standing around and guiding other jumpsuiters (he really needed a better name, and 'citizen' didn't really fit) around. Just as one started heading through a doorway, he pushed past the gate and started to talk.

At least  _ one _ of them should have some answers. "Hey, where am I--?"

"City 17. Welcome. Head that way." A guard barked, waving a rather dumb looking metal stick (or baton?) towards a direction over their shoulder.

"Thanks-- I guess but like  _ where _ am I? Like the country? State--?"

" _ City 17. _ " They hissed, stepping closer and jutting their baton in that same direction as before. Gordon could feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end and saw the brief crackle of electricity spark on the end of that baton. Fuck.

"What the fuck, that's not--" he tried, before the guard stepped forward and sent a shove to his chest so hard that he stumbled back, back connecting to the gate behind him and nearly knocking it over. Gordon's hand moved to his side and he growled, feeling nothing meet his grasp. He had no clue when he thought he ever had a gun, it just seemed like he  _ should _ have had one. The cold bite of metal settled in with the feeling of hopeless dread, and he blinked, slowly pushing up his glasses. When he pushed off the gate, the guard took a single step back, still brandishing that hellish baton.

He swallowed a sigh and hurried past in the direction the guard sent him to, steering clear of that baton. Who knew what that thing could do, and he did  _ not _ want to be on the business end of it.

Gordon stared at a sign that read "Nova Prospekt" only because why was there a road directly connected to a building like this, then fidgeted in place as the gate behind him closed, the one in front not opening yet. He grabbed his wrist and gently squeezed, turning around and vaguely listening in onto the overhead speakers. Grounding himself was near pointless if it felt as if he was in a merciless sea, tossed back and forth with no hints towards any surface or any help. Where  _ was _ he, exactly? How had he gotten there? What time was it, what day was it, what  _ year _ was it? Why were there so many fucking gates?? Why the hell wasn't this gate opening???

Would it be wrong if he just opened it? Just, grabbed the gate and pushed? It didn't  _ seem _ like it, but based on how odd that guy was earlier from him so much as trying to drink some water, and how pissy that guard got from him trying to find out where the hell he was, he figured staying in place was much simpler. Until he saw the guard on the other side, eyeing him up and down like he was a slab of meat. Alright, maybe he  _ didn't _ want to go there.

But still, standing around doing nothing was only causing more questions he had no answers to to rise, and he was sure if he didn't get  _ some _ sort of clarification soon his blood pressure was going to spike so high he'd explode.

The door to his right slammed open and he flinched, instinctively rearing back for a punch until he saw another damned baton get waved at him.

"You, citizen. Come with me." They barked, and he flexed his hand as he slowly lowered it, looking up long enough to see a sign label the hallway as "security". Begrudgingly, he nodded and followed, walking through the open door. It swung shut behind him, sealing him away to whatever fate this was. It felt familiar, but not at all in a good way.

'Where am I?' Seemed to get him literally nowhere so far, and 'how did I get here' could be answered with that stupid 'you have chosen  _ or _ have been chosen to relocate here' phrase that was now etched into the back of his skull, so he settled with a go-to. "What year is it?"

The guard glanced over their shoulder just as they passed a door, the door slit open enough that they both could hear talking right before it was aggressively slammed shut. "Save the questions for later." They looked away again, and he bristled.

"Look, I don't know  _ anything _ . Can't you at least--" they turned about face so sharply that he shut up, watching them bang on a metal door a specific number of times. It opened, and they waved for him to enter first with a quiet "get in".

That's fine. It's okay, Gordon. Just play along, you can't defend yourself just yet, that's happened before. While it wasn't your  _ choice _ of course, it happened before. You can be a pussy for a little while longer. His hand circled his arm again and he followed their lead, turning his nose up at the blood splattering the floor. It was both shockingly familiar and only slightly disturbing, and he tried to not think about it. Nor did he think about the old, worn out chair with thick metal straps to hold someone down. Nope. Not a single thought. Brain empty.

He tore his gaze long enough to notice there were cameras, and a large computer screen on the far wall along with a keyboard that stretched from wall to wall. Bile crawled up his throat and he swallowed it back down. They were  _ recording _ what happened in these rooms. Someone was watching those recordings.

"Need any help with--" he whipped his head around, hair swamping his vision for a second and breath picking up as he stood stock still. Waiting. Staring. A second guard.

Two people in a bloody room. Two guards in a bloody room. Two  _ armed _ guards in a bloody room. His eyes trailed over both of them in a brief once and then twice-over, trying to spot either of them having a knife or any sort of blade. He didn't see one, but that didn't dismiss the fact that they  _ could _ have one.

"..." The second guard stared him down silently, and he swallowed, grabbing onto his arm even harder. It grew numb at the pressure, but he didn't pay too close attention.

"Yep." The first guard said smugly, walking right past Gordon and tapping away at the computer. "Aw yeah, I'mma need me some privacy for this." They chirped, the cameras folding away with another string of commands.

Oh fuck, he was going to die. He was gonna die. He had nothing, he could maybe take on the second guard, they didn't have a baton, but the  _ first _ one still did and if he ran he'd only get back to that hall from before and probably be killed on sight from being panicked and  _ fuck they both were taking their helmet off they didn't care if they were gonna be seen he was going to die-- _

"Now, about that beer I owe ya--"

"and about that kiss you owe  _ me _ ."

Gordon held his breath, staring numbly at the two guards in front of him. He knew who they were, he didn't need to think about it. He didn't say anything, until the first spoke again.

"It's me, Barney, from Black Mesa?"

"Benrey."

" _ God _ ," Gordon choked, rushing forward and wrapping his arms around the two and squeezing so hard he heard Barney laugh and Benrey sing out a few notes of sweet voice, and  _ fuck _ did he miss it. Just those singular tones was enough to get the waterworks flowing. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he pulled back, holding onto their shoulders and looking at their faces closely.

Barney, the one that followed him in the background during Black Mesa, chatted to him the nights he couldn't sleep and helped them from a distance, too afraid of the science team. And for good reason, too. He was the one that wrestled him away from those two soldiers when he was being dragged away, the one that kept him alive long enough for him to get up and find the others. He'd aged some, but not much, his hair gaining a bit of a salt and pepper look, but man did it suit him.

And Benrey, that dumbass guard that was with him from the very beginning, to the end. He hadn't aged at  _ all, _ really. And huh, that shade he always had over his eyes  _ wasn't _ shade, it was just a discoloration. Or maybe a birthmark? His face slightly glowing with the light of pink Sweet Voice, a streak or two of grey in his short, scruffy hair, and--

Wait. "Wait, why are you alive?" Gordon ripped himself away as if he'd been burned, grabbing his jumpsuit sleeve and yanking it up to show the angry jagged scar that surrounded his right arm. It was a bit red-ish purple and irritated from him squeezing it so much, but that only further showed his point even if it was self-caused. Benrey looked down at it, a few notes of grey to tawny Sweet Voice slipping free. "Didn't you fucking try to to  _ kill _ me? Don't you fuckin-- fuckin remember  _ this?? _ My arm?? Didn't I kill you--!!"

A soft tune overtook his yelling, and he guessed since it was because he hadn't heard it in a while or because he temporarily forgot all of what it did, he just let himself get swamped with  _ so much _ blue. So much that he stumbled back, leaning against the back of the chair from before and sighing heavily as his shoulders slumped. He dipped his head forward, feeling his hair cascade around his face. He didn't even care about it at this point.

All the knots of anxiety and memory loss within his brain were slowly, calmly untangled. Alright, while he  _ did _ need that, his feelings were still the same. No matter how much Sweet Voice he sucked down, his feelings about that eldritch horror could  _ never _ be swayed.

Benrey was closer now, staring down at his arm, at the sleeve still scrunched up. He was probably looking at the scar, worrying his lip as a deep hum started up in his throat. No way was he going to let him use anymore of that stuff on him! Silently, he reached down and pulled his sleeve back down, making Benrey look up again.

"Still," he said after a beat, blinking at Barney giving Benrey a death glare. He was either ignoring it or just flat out didn't see, bit knowing him it was probably a bit of both somehow. "No matter how much fuckin' Sweet Voice you use on me, I'm still gonna remember that." 

"but what about my kiss, bro? gonna-- gonna leave a bro hanging-- I even said. sorry." Benrey mumbled, then eventually started singing again instead of continuing, colours fading from ember to green in a low pitch. Luckily, he had turned away to do so. He couldn't translate, so he said nothing of it, turning to Barney.

"It's so good to finally see a familiar face-- where the fuck  _ am _ I? How did I get here? What fucking year is it? I'm-- I'm so lost, I just woke up on a train and I can barely remember anything before that and if I try I just get this massive headache." Gordon rambled, pushing away from the chair so he could stand up straight. At least he could do so properly now without all that extra pain in his limbs, he guessed he could thank Benrey for that.  _ Maybe _ . "And why are you dressed like that? I thought you were gonna like… beat me to death. Ain't got good memories for people in uniform."

Barney looked himself over, tossing his mask around in his hands. "Sorry about the getup, Benrey and I have been working undercover for Civil Protection." He tossed the mask to Gordon and turned to the computer, tacking at the keys again. "And another sorry for the scare, I had to put on a show for the cameras. Can't take too long though or they'll get suspicious, I'm  _ waaay _ behind on my 'beating' quota. The rest of your questions, you'll get the answers in a bit."

What the  _ fuck _ was a beating quota, was that what all the blood on the floor was?? God, he didn't want to think about it, it was making his head swim.

"chill out." Benrey cut in, making Gordon turn around to see the entity crouched by a red stain, smearing his finger through the liquid and showing it to him. "'s not blood." Then, he popped it into his mouth, where Gordon  _ immediately _ grabbed his hand and yanked it away.

"Then what the fuck is it-- don't go puttin' random floor shit into your mouth--"

"fuck around and find out?" He just used his other hand to scoop up the mysterious liquid, his hand glistening with the dark red goop that only made Gordon grab his other wrist to stop it from either going into his or Benrey's mouth. What was with him just putting his hands in random gross shit??

"What?? I don't wanna-- I don't even know what that  _ is _ , why would I even--?"

" _ \--Yes _ Barney what is it? I'm in the middle of a critical test and I don't have time for your bullshit!" A familiar voice called out over low-quality speakers, and Gordon lifted his head, turning around and staring into the fuzzy image of glasses-- what's with people being so up and personal recently?-- way too close to the camera, then pulling back to show a scientist crossing his arms, glaring at the screen.

"Yea, sorry Doc, but look who's here!" Barney grinned, moving out of the way and letting the two finally see each other.

Bubby stared at Gordon.

Gordon stared at Bubby.

He didn't look much different at all, maybe losing a bit more of their hair from balding still, and glasses a bit thicker to the point where he couldn't see much of their eyes anymore (not that he could see them that well in the first place), and sporting a lab coat that was singed on the collar and sleeves.

Emotions flickered across their face, from shock, to concern, excitement, then settling on anger. "...oh ye god, Gordon Freeman?"

"Bubby!" Gordon stood, grinning like an idiot and stepping up to the camera. He didn't care if he got too close right now, it was  _ Bubby.  _ Stupid name and all! A laugh bubbled up and out his throat and he waved, even though it was pointless. "Holy shit, it--"

"You fucking took your sweet time, dumbass! Do you know how shitty we all felt? It's been twenty goddamn years, Gordon!" Bubby exploded, quite literally at that, as their hair burst into flames before quickly getting smothered. Gordon chuckled again. Man did he miss getting yelled at. That was… Such an odd sentence, even in his mind. It's been like, what? A month or two after the Resonance Cascade? "Why didn't anyone warn me?"

Barney leaned close, setting an arm around Gordon's shoulders and bringing the man down an inch or two. He pointedly ignored Benrey and Bubby's glare-- obviously they still didn't like him being around Gordon. "You and me both, man. He was about to board the express to Nova Prospekt! I caught him just in time, too. He looks like a mess."

Bubby growled, sharp teeth showing for a split second. "Well, what the hell are you waiting for, send him over--" "HELLO, GORDON!"

_ Fuck!  _ Even with the terrible speakers, Dr. Coomers unmistakable voice boomed through, his face pushing into frame as he laid almost entirely against Bubby, one arm wrapping around their waist as he looked into the camera. A look of pure, unadulterated glee overtook the older man as he cooed at the screen. Not to mention Bubby flushing at being hugged so suddenly, wrapping an arm around Coomer as well. He could have sworn he saw a ring on their hand-- were the two married now? Good for them! "Gordon! It's so lovely to see you again! How have you been holding up?"

He couldn't help the dumb smile from crossing his face, and he opened his mouth, choking off a suppressed sob and hurrying to scrub his eyes with his sleeve. It smelled like a factory. "Yeah--" he coughed, then turned away. Hell, Gordon, you're going to cry right here and now? Get yourself together! "I'm. Uh."

He heard something from Bubby about how he was turned into a blubbering mess, but he didn't listen much on it, instead allowing the sound of Black Mesa Sweet Voice to travel over him. It didn't dry his tears, but it sure slowed them down. The comforting, heavy hand on his shoulder wasn't quite enough, but it would do, comfort-wise. Barney hugged him a bit tighter, and Benrey patted his back gently.

"Now Gordon, you'll just have to cry  _ after _ the test!" Came Coomers voice, and Gordon barked out a laugh at the memories flooding back at the one line. As if on queue, Bubby countered with "...what test?", and he grinned, pulling his sleeve away and adjusting his glasses once again. Oh, how he missed those idiots.

"Oh yeah, I wanna get him over there with you two. Much safer than here, I'm already not even supposed to put the cameras away for this long. But, I'm still on duty and can't lead him." Barney spoke, casting a paranoid look over his shoulder at the door. Still locked.

"Tommy and Alyx should be around here…  _ somewhere _ ." Bubby shrugged, waving their hand vaguely. "They should know how to get him here."

Barney frowned, mind lost in thought. He had yet to look back at the screen. "As long as he stays away from checkpoints, we should be okay."

"Cameras and prying eyes, too! Try not to draw attention to yourself, Gordon." Coomer added, and Gordon nodded. He'd avoid drawing attention to himself, easy as pie.

"Listen, I gotta go, docs. Taking enough chances as it is." Barney finally pulled away, much to Gordon's dismay and Benrey, Bubby, and Coomer's short lived mirth. 

"Alright, then. Well, Gordon, it's… nice to see you again." "Hello Gor--" the screen cut off with a click, and Gordon sighed.

Just as he went to open his mouth again, ask Barney and Benrey about what happened, there was a banging at the door. Gordon nearly leapt out of his skin and Barney hissed, glaring at the door as warbled radio-static voices carried through. "Aw man! That's what I was afraid of," Barney ran over to a side door, unlocking it with a heavy click and shoving it open. " _ Get _ in here Gordon, before you blow my cover."

He nodded and hurried off without a second thought, stopping short in the doorway at Benrey, who stood there with the same passive, bored expression as always. Remembered something like this happening before.

"Can you  _ move?  _ I told you once, I'm a big guy, I can't--"

"uhhhhh can I see your. Passport?"

The knocking grew louder, and Barney could be heard whisper-yelling for them to get going, then telling the guards to hold on. His voice grew muffled at the end, distorted by the mask once more. 

"I don't  _ have _ \-- I don't have  _ anything _ \--!"

Benrey grinned, slow, meticulous, stepping back and letting Gordon finally slip past just as the door shut. "looks like I'm gonna have to follow you, then." If he wasn't on the brink of being possibly  _ murdered _ , Gordon would have laughed at that. Didn't stop the little chuckle that slipped free, though. "make sure you uh… don't steal."


	2. Mr. Freeman

Don't _steal_ ? What could he possibly steal!? There was nothing! He had nothing! All he had was the clothes on his back, which he wasn't even sure if they were _his_ to begin with, and this entity following him around. _Again_.

"pee yourself? little pee pee man?"

"It's water, I spilled _water_ on my _shirt_ , how could it be pee."

"real shit?"

Instead of dwelling on wherever that train of conversation was going, he charged past, trying his hardest to ignore the voices beyond the door as he looked around the obvious storage room. It was full of old wooden crates, dirt and dust coating the floor, and a gated off section that only contained more crates. Was he supposed to hide out here? He supposed they could, but… he didn't want to push it. That door could be easily opened.

"Where do we go from here?" Gordon whispered, turning to Benrey as he was currently up a ladder on a higher platform, stacking crates in front of a window. "And… Why are you doing that?"

"gotta get to. Bubby's lab. hurry up Gordos- Gordos _slow_ man." Even with his teasing words, he laid down just by the ladder, extending his arms as if he was going to lift him up. His arms were too short to ever reach to the bottom of the ladder, but the thought, as pointless as it was, was appreciated.

"I don't need help to climb a ladder," he mumbled. Gordon started to climb, avoiding Benrey's piercing stare, and ignoring how Barney's voice only got louder behind the door. He continued speaking, only loud enough that Benrey could hear. "You know the way to Bubby's lab?"

It was _greatly_ unnecessary for Benrey to grab his arms the moment he got close enough and pull, and the sudden change in momentum had Gordon stumble up the rest of the ladder and grip the gate surrounding the platform to steady himself. Meanwhile, Benrey crashed ass-first into another crate, breaking it upon impact. If they were trying to be quiet, it failed spectacularly. Gordon said nothing and glared at the downed guard, jumping onto the remaining crate by the window and vaulting himself out.

His feet collided with the rough pavement, right hand shooting down to cushion the rest of his weight right before he wobbled forward onto his knees with an awkward grunt, turning around long enough to stare up at the window. He couldn't hear anything. Had Benrey not followed him? _Fuck yeah!_ Finally some time alone with his thoughts. Gordon stood up to dust himself off, looking around the alleyway he crash landed into rather abruptly to take in _just_ where he was.

City 17, huh? That meant there were 16 other cities. Meant there were 16 other places, just like this one. Possibly _worse_ than this one.

The more he looked, the less he noticed. One end of the alley led to a door he wasn't too interested in heading in just yet, and the other end opened up to a dead end. He felt so… isolated. In any other city, it would be bustling with life, teeming with activity. Even if he stood in an alley, he would still hear everyday chatter. But now, it was silent.

Too silent. As much as he had mixed feelings for Benrey, there was still that one voice in his mind saying, “he's your friend, he was with you through thick and thin and you actually enjoyed spending time with him and laughing at his stupid benrey-isms and jokes" 

Thought, the side that seemed to shout louder said, "He lead to you getting brutally beaten up, your arm getting cut off, and finally becoming an eldritch nightmare you had to kill"

It hurt to think about for too long, but he could deal with a little bit of the other's teasing if that meant he wouldn't feel so alone and confused anymore.

"Hey, I know you're just like, behind me or something and I just didn't see you," Gordon spoke, and, almost as if he was on cue, Benrey quickly moved in front of him. He was… Wearing a jumpsuit now. "... Fuck whatever sappy shit I was gonna say, where did you-- where did you find that? When did you put it on I was only lost in thought for a minute, _max_."

Benrey shrugged, something of just a reflex now, and Gordon frowned. Something wasn't right. Even though Benrey wasn't wearing a helmet earlier, something looked so downright _wrong_ about seeing Benrey's hair that it almost felt taboo. The moment he found any sort of hat, he was giving it to him. "equipped it when you weren't looking, bro. know you wanted to see. hot benrey bod--" okay, he lied, he couldn't deal with the teasing. Equip??? Was he some sort of video game character?? "but I'm not into that freaky shit. no PDNB bro, public displays of naked benny like-- like you epic cringe freakman."

"I am _not_ a freak,"

"sorry."

"I--" That 'sorry' sounded legitimately genuine, and looking up at Benrey's face, he was finally showing emotion. Cringing a bit at having called him freak and turned away, staring at the door at the end of the alley. "I'm… oh, uh… no offense, it's okay?" He accepted anyway. He didn't take the freak comment to heart, he barely ever took anything the eldritch being said to heart, but it seemed he needed to hear the words 'it's okay' more than Gordon needed his apology. Benrey nodded, but he still looked beat up over his word choice.

"But still, why are you wearing that?"

A sneer. Guess this new Benrey actually had expressions. Couldn't complain. "if the other combines saw me dressed up and uh... guidin' you around, they'd ask to join. lead you away… then do bad stuff." He looked sick by the end, dragging one of his hands through his hair. Hey, that was one of _his_ stims!

Benrey suddenly grabbed Gordon's hand, pulling him towards the door. His hand was cold, and Gordon distinctly felt claws pressing against his skin. Had Benrey ever touched him before? "follow… follow me. takin' too long to-- to find Bubby's lab, because I know your shit… shit human brain can't keep up with this. got pro gamer strats. walkthrough any percent. speedrun."

"What the fuck are you saying, ever?" Gordon didn't say anything about the hold- in fact, it was pretty nice. Maybe he was just touched-starved but honestly he didn't mind it one bit. He let himself be led inside the building, trusting Benrey more than he ever expected to. He'd probably be lost ten times over and somehow end up either out of the city entirely, or worse.

The building was old, the floor either yellowed tile or just dirt, and honestly it could be both. He was led up some rickety stairs that he swore started to give out under their weight, and into what looked like a side entrance to the original building. Or at least, he thought so? The same tiles, the same trash blowing around, the same gates _everywhere_. 

For being so short compared to him, Benrey made up with it in strength. Sure, he wasn't purposely slowing them down, but he couldn't help being reluctant. So many questions swarmed his head and barely any-- actually, no, _no_ answers were there for him. All Gordon had to go off of was that Barney, Benrey, Bubby, Coomer, and Tommy were all alive, along with someone named Alyx. He was currently in a place called City 17, woken up on a train after Gman talked to him about him resting for too long and that he was needed somehow. And… That's pretty much where his knowledge ended. What's with everything never having a concise answer when it comes to him?

Just as they neared a gate that opened up to a larger room, a guard (or what did Benrey call them? Combine officers?) stepped forth, immediately showing their baton and waving it gently as if they didn't mean harm. Then, they knocked off a soda can that was perched on the lid of a trash can, pointing their baton at Gordon. "You." They barked, and he could _hear_ the smile in their voice. "Pick up that can."

"No, you just knocked it down." Gordon huffed, sneering even when they clicked on their baton and swung it down. It crackled with energy, but he relented. "I'm not picking up your shitty can, _you're_ closer to it--"

He stopped at seeing Benrey lean down, picking up the can in question and dropping it into the garbage. He spared him a pained glance, that look alone speaking far more words than the eldritch being could ever say. The moment was short lived by the Combine reaching into the trash, picking out the exact same can as before and whipping it at the ground so hard that it skittered across the tiled floor and rolled to a stop somewhere out of view.

" _You_." They snarled, pointing their baton right in the middle of Gordon's chest. "Pick. Up. That. Can."

"No." Heat creeped up his neck, disappointingly dull teeth baring as if that was a valid threat. "How about _you_ fucking pick it up."

In that exact instant, two things happened.

One, the combine officer swung their stun baton down on him, _hard_ . It hit his shoulder and he flinched away from the stinging, burning pain, almost collapsing from how sudden and awful it was. And fuck, was it _bright_. His vision flashed red and white and he gasped.

And two, Gordon's hand balled into a fist, and he swung. He caught the officer in the jaw, snapping their head harshly to the side and jostling their mask. They crumpled onto the ground in a messy heap, and if Gordon listened closely, he could hear them _snoring_.

"badass." Benrey added, crouching over them and bellowing dark blue and teal Sweet Voice. He didn't question why. "better leave, tho. don't want ppl--" he actually said 'p p l' out loud "to see this knocked out."

Okay, that made sense. Stepping around the cocoon Benrey made over the officer, Gordon walked through the wide open space long enough for Benrey to grab his hand again and pull him along. There was another officer on the far wall, but they were leaned back, lazily staring at the jumpsuiters standing in line to receive a package or something similar. A small smile crossed Gordon's face as they reached outside once more, too busy staring down at their joined hands to pay attention to the scenery. Though, he wasn't missing much. The droning voice of the man on the tv just continued on outside anyway.

"You just like holding my hand, huh?" He teased, and Benrey turned around, shock plastered on his face before being masked by embarrassment. Benrey hesitantly pulled away, and Gordon snorted. Maybe he shouldn't have called him out on it, but what was a little teasing? At least he wasn't being called 'feetman' anymore.

"...didn't wanna hold your stink… _stink_ human hand anyway." Benrey mumbled. He looked over to a combine officer as they kept walking, greeted only with a 'fuck off' as they quickly moved infront of an open doorway. Possibly to block his view inside, but really, if you didn't want people looking inside, then close the door. "Hey… why your… what's up?"

"Why my what's up?" Gordon parroted, but continued talking as if he hadn't been mocking the other. "I dunno, man. Everything-- everything's been shit in the past, what? Half hour, hour max? I woke up on a train with no idea how I got there, why I was there, _nothing_ . All I had to my name was a fuckin' splitting headache, this jumpsuit, shitty memories of you all that I'm currently _still_ trying to piece together, and Gman's stupid words rattling inside my--"

A low, guttural sound cut him off, and he stopped abruptly to stare at the black-to-red orbs Sweet Voice splatting onto the ground. It looked grossly like blood. Like… The very same bloodstains in that room earlier. Huh. Benrey ground a pebble beneath his heel while Gordon tried to brush away the stain with his shoe. "don't uh… don't say that name in public. he talk to you or some'?"

The stain just stuck to his sole and was just making way more of a mess than he wanted. Fuckin' stuff. Like stepping in gum, or something. Paint, maybe? "Yeah, he was telling me to wake up I guess. Rise and shine, smell the ashes. Told me that I was the right man in the wrong place, whatever that means."

Better distance yourselves from that stain, lest anyone come by and think someone got stabbed and then vanished. "How long has it even been, anyway? Like, a month? Did he think I was asleep the whole month?" The laugh that came was dry and forced. "Like I know Bubby exaggerates time and Dr. Coomer can't guestimate time to save his life, but I didn't think _he_ would too, y'know, with-- with all the time stop shit."

Benrey stopped. It took a second for Gordon to realize, carrying on while rambling to himself about not knowing how or when he put on his jumpsuit, but when he noticed he was alone he backtracked. "What's up?"

"it's been 20 years." Benrey replied, voice monotone and shoulders tensed. "didn't exaggerate. you just… went away. one day. tried to look for you, but poof. hacks." It was a lackluster joke, probably said more out of habit than actual jest. And, in that exact moment, Benrey looked so human.

Sad, exhausted, both happy to see him and devastated that it took so long for him to return. It was as if the cracked mask he had on this entire time finally fell, and he was only held together by duct tape and school glue. "kept looking… for a while."

Gordon didn't say anything for a moment. And really, if he did, what would he say? That he didn't know it had legit been 20 years? That he wasn't sure if he believed him? That he was confused on how age worked because he was supposed to be 47 then? He didn't remember anything important. He remembered _leaving_ Black Mesa, or what was left of it, with Gman in a tram and ending up at that pizza party. Then, he went home, and… Woke up, on this train. Everything seemed so vastly important and completely unnecessary at the same time. How was that even possible, then?? He asked for the year, instead, and Benrey told him. 20 years in the future, from where he last remembered.

And Benrey had looked for him, for all that time?

Gordon looked over just in time for blue Sweet Voice to suddenly enter his vision, swamping him in an aura of calm that only did so much for his quickly shattering sense of reality. He was waving it away without thought, dragging his feet and biting the inside of his cheek.

God, what would anyone say to that? He was truly stunned speechless. His addled brain was just causing trouble at this point- if he could just go numb for a while, forget any and everything happening right now, that'd be swell.

"yo, uh…" Benrey started, pushing Gordon's shoulder to get him to start walking again. He only stiffly stumbled into an alleyway, and Gordon looked at him silently once they came to a stop. "y… what…--" a stream of blue to grey Sweet Voice interrupted him and he hissed through his teeth, not even bothering to wave the stuff away as he fought through his own inability to talk to try again. "wanna… hug?"

God, yes. He could go for a hug. Without responding, Gordon pushed off the wall he leaned on and wrapped his arms around him. He had to bend down slightly because of his height, arms wrapped so securely around him and head ducked onto his shoulder. Claws dug into the fabric at his shoulders and he honestly didn't care-- it was grounding, having someone to hug, even if it was Benrey. Maybe, _especially_ Benrey. There were so many emotions flashing through his mind that this break was well deserved and if Benrey hadn't suggested the hug, he would have collapsed into a sobbing heap right about now.

There was a hand in his hair, claws parting through and combing his long, frizzy locks. It was oddly soothing, to both of them.

"i missed you." Benrey whispered, and Gordon silently laughed. He held on tighter, like if he would let go everything would come crumbling down. His claws caught on a knot of hair and untangled it. "we _all_ missed you. please don't leave again." Maybe they _both_ needed a hug. " _please._ "

He wanted to reply, but it was going to take a while before his stupid overwhelmed brain would let him talk again. So, instead, Gordon pulled away from the hug, making sure Benrey could see him, and signed. "I promise."

"oh fuck, Gordos-- I can't-- I don't know uh… sign." 

_Hah!_ Two bumbling idiots, then! One can basically only talk in Sweet Voice to get his point across, and the other that can only sign when he gets too stressed. Letting out a dry chuckle, Gordon gestured for Benrey to lead the way once again. Benrey just pointed for him to climb onto the dumpster he was standing next to ('Hey, look, it's like I'm looking at a mirror!' He would have joked, if he could just _talk_ already) and climb up a ladder to get over a gate. While he could simply just hop the gate like anyone else, he followed his advice.

Just as Gordon jumped down from the short platform, arms encircled his waist and he was lowered smoothly onto the grass, a yelp escaping his throat. He sputtered a bit at the nonchalant act, but either Benrey wasn't paying attention or--

"Wait-- was-- that--?" His words got caught in his throat and he coughed, pushing past the awkward feeling of speaking to continue. "Was that returning the favour from Black Mesa? When you got stuck on that ladder and I caught you when you jumped down."

"epic uhh. poggers, bro." That _didn't_ answer his question but he took it in stride, giggling stupidly over the ordeal. Benrey was content on pretending he was ignoring him, trying to get him to _move forward_ still without holding his hand, but the urge was there.

Gordon followed dutifully, mentioning something about a playground and how he hadn't been in one in ages, but also said he would possibly save it for later. Bubby and Coomer came first. Benrey swallowed a lump in his throat and nodded, gesturing for Gordon to enter a building as he ducked his head to avoid looking two more combine officers in the eye. For good measure, he closed the door behind them.

Gordon only kept talking. Benrey had stopped paying close attention long ago, just listening to him babble along about playgrounds and something in particular about seesaws and swingsets. It was math related. Had it been about exactly anything else he would have listened closer, but he barely understood a word of it. Something about leverage, angle, weight dis...display-- dis- _something,_ all static to his ears. Comforting, nice static. A white noise he didn't know he missed so much until it was suddenly brought right back to him.

Until there was loud thudding and slamming, breaking him away from his thoughts, interrupting Gordon in the middle of a sentence as Benrey stuck his arm out and held him still.

Combine were trying to break into a room, two swift kicks sending the door off its hinges and splintering. Someone was hanging out of a doorway just a few rooms down, looking over helplessly at the chaos. Soon, there was screaming. Soon, there was silence.

He felt Gordon press into his arm.

"Shouldn't-- shouldn't we _help_?" He whispered, and Benrey lowered his head in shame.

There was no way they _could_ help, not without ruining things further. He wasn't human, not in the slightest. He could take down every single officer with little to no damage to himself whatsoever, but what then? Temporary relief for something that would only get worse. He wasn't opposed to killing, did it so often in Black Mesa that it was second nature, but the moment he tried to replicate it in this world now…

He didn't want to think about it. Not again.

Gordon grabbed his hand. Benrey looked up at the touch, squeezing on instinct as Gordon pushed him forward. "It's alright." Shouldn't the comfort be going the other way around? "Just-- lets just walk past, they're too busy to pay attention to us. We're just jumpsuiters."

Okay, _that_ really got his attention. He didn't let go of Gordon's hand as they walked. Gordon didn't let go either. A combine officer glared at them behind thick goggles. They were ignored. "jumpsuiters?"

"Yeah! Like, we're all wearing jumpsuits, right? Jumpsuiters."

"that's--" Sweet Voice bubbled out of his throat, yellow to tawny, and he chuckled. Good thing Gordon couldn't translate. "whatever you say, bro. fuckin'-- fuckin' _jumpsuiters._ "

Gordon's face lit up for a second and his free hand flapped up and down for a bit, trying to jog himself on. By the time Benrey opened the door to a second stairwell, Gordon stopped suddenly and pointed at him.

" _Peeper puppies_ ." He grinned, as if he accomplished something great. And to him, he did! His shitty memory was slowly coming back, each new tiny puzzle piece leading him to another big group sliding right into place. He remembered how many countless peeper puppies kept him awake each night, the disgusting scent of their burning flesh, the weird screeching they would make, and the _thunk_ of Coomer punching them into oblivion. It was terrible but wondrous all at the exact same time. "You remember those?"

He shrugged, Gordon following up the stairs again. Their footsteps echoed in the small room. "yea? they uh… dead. no- no more peep peeps." He sniffed, and Gordon made a noise he couldn't exactly interpret as anything. "think there's-- some back on Xen, prolly. ain't goin back there to check."

_Xen_. That brought back memories. Memories Gordon didn't want to remember whatsoever. A rough squeeze made him quickly realize that they were still holding hands, and he pulled it away. Xen. His right hand was a gun, then. It still stung and burned whenever he wasn't using it, phantom pains of his fingers curling and flexing making him want to claw at the metal, tear it off and scratch at the arm that wasn't there.

But now? It was fine. It didn't hurt at all, it wasn't sore, and if anything, it was just a cool story to tell. Not like anyone outside of the science team would believe him if he suddenly said he once had a gun for an arm.

He hummed. "Hey uh… Benrey," he had to ask, at least. Benrey stopped climbing the stairs, looking at Gordon as his hand squeezed the door handle. "Are you… Good?"

"'course I am." He spit out some blue-to-green Sweet Voice, almost offended. "spent twenty years uh… figuring that out. no thanks to uh... fuckin' goneman. Gordos Missingman."

That wasn't what he was asking, but he didn't push it. Today was so tiring, he'd save the introspection for later, then. Benrey opened the door and they filed into the hallway, only to stop a bit short at seeing it being barricaded by random bits of furniture. Tables, chairs, a wardrobe, and was that a tv? All piled high to the point where they couldn't see the other end of the hallway.

"Psst, in here."

Gordon looked back, over to someone peeking out from a doorway and waving them over. He looked strangely familiar. "Don't touch that, come in."

"Oh," Benrey was already ahead of him, and he followed the two into what could be called the most lackluster, terribly barren apartment ever. There was a single brown pleather couch worn to death, a table that had many cuts and splinters, a tv on a smaller table off to the side, and a bed pushed off into a corner. And that was _it_. "You uh… Live… Here?"

The man gestured to the couch, moving off into a seperate room. "Well, most of us…" he whispered. "You two looked like you could use some help. I'll be right back in."

"We sure could." Gordon sighed, leaning back against the couch and stretching his arms above his head. He didn't even notice how tired and sore he'd gotten until he sat back down, and now he didn't want to get up ever again. A twinge of pain shot down his left arm and he flinched, yanking it down with a hiss. " _Fuck_."

"wh?" Benrey looked over, and Gordon took a second to reply, hand rubbing over his shoulder. He honestly didn't remember Benrey sitting down next to him. "you okay?"

Another groan, pulling his hand away from his shoulder and staring at the thin smear of blood on his fingers. When had he started bleeding? "Yeah uh. That baton fucked me up, man. Hold on," his fingers fiddled with the buttons of his jumper, pulling it off one arm free, then pausing with the other.

The fabric felt like a scab, sticking to the wound as he peeled it off. The skin was split and a bit burned, it would heal sooner or later, but man did it sting. He was left in his white tank top, which he _again_ didn't know he was wearing, balling up his jumper in his lap and fully exposing his arms. He didn't have time to say anything before Benrey sat up, grabbing his arm and humming. A stream of high pitched teal-to-green Sweet Voice popping against the wound, covering it in a slightly sticky, cool fluid. What the _fuck_ was that stuff made out of??

It felt slightly numbing to the touch, the agony of the burn fading away into a much more tolerable discomfort. As long as he didn't jostle it, he'd be fine. Times like this were he wished he had his HEV suit again.

The moment he stopped, the man from before came back. He held two styrofoam cups that were steaming, handing one to each of them. Cup noodles, huh? Hadn't seen those in a while. Gordon took a forkful of the lukewarm, slightly salty noodles and chowed down, pointedly ignoring Benrey guzzling the stuff like it was just a softdrink.

"Sorry it's not more, it's all we had." The man spoke, holding out his hand for them to shake. Benrey just stared at him with an ear to ear grin, silently eating the cup and fork. Luckily, Gordon shook his head for both of them. "My name is--"

Then, an alarm rang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to translate the sweetvoice of the last chapter:
> 
> Pink alone doesnt mean anything, it's just the equivalent of blushing  
> Grey to Tawny: Im So Sorry  
> Ember to Green: I'm Not Trying To Be Mean  
> \--  
> Dark blue to Teal doesnt mean anything in the context its being used  
> Black to Red: Filled With Dread  
> Blue to Grey: I'm Not Okay  
> Yellow to Tawny: Thats So Funny  
> Blue to Green: I'm Not Mean  
> Teal to Green: Heal Beam


	3. Wake Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for blood, violence, and panic attacks. I forgot to mention this is a slight variation of a "not a game au" but it doesnt exactly get brought up, ever.
> 
> Sunkist is a girl in this au. Thats not important, but I Constantly mess that up so im just leavin it
> 
> Bubby goes by he/they pronouns!!

The man yanked himself back, standing up straight and looking around in a panic, and Gordon and Benrey got to their feet as well. Gordon haphazardly dropped his half-finished noodles on the table and pulled his jumper back on, not bothering to button it as everyone started to panic. There was speaking, an announcer saying _something_ , but its words were far too garbled and buried under screams and shouts of those around them. Neither were sure who told them to get to the roof, but they listened.

Gordon broke out into a sprint, and Benrey took up the rear. Get to the roof. That's all they needed to do, get to the roof.

"I've never seen you run before," he joked, not noticing the words coming out his mouth until he awkwardly laughed.

Benrey only replied with an explosive "BBBBBB."

Banging, slamming, glass shattering, screaming thuds, electricity, gunshots. It felt like running through a maze, Gordon and Benrey switching places on occasion to bust through a door or hurl themselves up stairs.

His arm was grabbed and he turned around, staring Benrey in the face. He was panting, huffing out electric blue Sweet Voice, dressed halfway like a combine officer with his gas mask placed on top of his head. He couldn't look any more serious than he did right now. "go ahead, I'll--" more Sweet Voice, this time a rusty red to sunny yellow, but he continued right afterwards, pulling his mask in place. "there's a path, _go_."

So, he did. Gordon's legs carried him blindly, body hyped up on whatever combinations of Sweet Voice Benrey used on him. He needed to _run_. He had to, there was no other choice. The voices behind him were drowned out, the sound of glass breaking only drawing closer, and he swallowed down a lump in his throat.

And he tripped. He was up not even a second later, swiping blood from his busted lip and jumping out a busted hole in the attic's wall. Warbling noises filled the sky and he looked up, heavying deep breaths as alien ships scanned the grounds. Heavy duty trucks drove below, yet he pushed on.

There _was_ a path, Benrey didn't lie. Up a pallet laid across a roof, down the other side and rolling down another slope. Empty paint cans clattered around him as he fell heavily onto two precariously placed boards that almost broke upon impact. It was terrible, it was shit, if he wasn't running on pure adrenaline he would have either quit or died already. His mouth would have been running endlessly, spouting bullshit to keep himself moving.

Truthfully, if it was, he couldn't hear himself anyway.

Windows passed by in a blur, the ground was so far away. Pigeons flapped and gunshots rang, and if the significant pain in his side and thigh had anything to do with his limping gait as he shoved his way through an open window, then it was safe to say he got shot. Warmth spread across his lower back and drizzled down the outside of his thigh as he limped, pushing himself further. The only thing stopping the blood from pumping faster was a single hand on the back of his thigh, trying to physically hold himself together. He's lost way more blood, this was like a walk through the park! Or a run through a building. Who knew? Who cared? He was bleeding out he needed _some_ sort of fucking positivity.

Benrey was behind him. Benrey was protecting him. He could hear his gunshots growing closer. He hadn't bothered to ask when he had a gun, but that wasn't here nor now. 

Gordon landed in an attic once more. The first thing that caught his eye was a door and he tried the handle, bloody hands slipping along the old metal as he tried to jostle it open. It diligently remained locked, and he croaked, turning around and pressing his back to the door. _Fuck_. The only way to go now was down. His leg started to give out finally as the Sweet Voice started to wear off, but he pushed on still. Down some stairs, into a hall, through a door--

A door that smacked him in a face, knocking him flat onto his back. Gordon cried out in agony, feeling the painfully solid hardwood floor dig into his wounds, but still he tried to crawl away. His hands caught on the old wood, drying blood making everything slightly sticky, and his leg finally gave out on him. It refused to respond. Not like it would do him any door, with a guard stepping on his ankle. Another came up right behind the first, and he choked, turning to kick the offending heavy boot off of him.

He had to hold out. Right?

The door to his back opened, but he didn't need to turn around to know there were only more officers.

Benrey was behind him. Benrey was protecting him.

Right?

The blinding white pain of a stun baton hitting him over the head made him scream, throat harsh and worn out from running for so long. Worn out from coaching himself to keep running. The next was to his neck, then, as he curled up into a pathetic ball, to his back, ribs, anywhere that wasn't protected.

It was happening again.

Where was Benrey?

It was a trap. It had to be. It had to be. It _had_ to be!

He choked on his spit and on his breath, sobbing and calling for someone, something, to _help_ him. Please.

It wouldn't come. It didn't come last time. There was no point in pleading.

He heard a distant bark.

* * *

By the time he came to, he wasn't in pain. Well, that was a bit of a lie, he was sore all over, but his gunshot wounds and his electricity burns were gone. All he saw was blue, but not Sweet Voice blue. The dusty blue of a jumpsuit. A hand ran down his back, lifted up, then trailed over it again.

He was being hugged. Okay, that was fine.

Gordon lifted his head with a silent grunt, opening bleary eyes-- his glasses had fallen off, _not_ fine-- and seeing yellow, now. Then pink, right before a slobbery tongue swiped over his face and he woke right up.

A familiar bark registered in his brain first, and he belatedly put two and two together and made out the barely-there image of sunkist. He smiled, a hand weakly coming up to card through her fluffy fur. She gave another bark, this time Sweet Voice coming out as well. Pure blue. Calm down. How did those correlate, now that he thought about it? And how the hell could a dog use Sweet Voice? Tommy was a miracle of a man.

"Mr. Free--Freeman! You're awake!" Speak of the devil, Tommy's voice was music to his ears, and he sighed, relaxing into whoever was holding him. He hadn't bothered to check yet, still basking in the calm-down that Sunkist gave him. "Benrey-- Benrey got here first, and protected you since you passed out. Alyx came and--and took out all the bad guys and Sunkist she- she- she dragged you over here so you wouldn't have to see all that!"

Well, thank you for the summary, Tommy. He didn't have the strength to stand right now, so he just sat back to pull away from the hug. It tightened for a second longer, and Benrey's voice could be heard, whispering right into his ear. "i'm sorry."

Sunkist hadn't stopped her assault of calm-down yet, or maybe she had, he couldn't really tell. He was in the throws of coming down from a panic attack and-- Coomer's words suddenly came to mind. He was coming down with a case of The Crumbles. Benrey finally let him go and he sagged backwards, scooting a bit away from him and pressing his back against a wall. Tommy came over to him, squatting and holding out his hands. After only a second of hesitation, he reached out and grabbed whatever it was.

His glasses. Cleaned, pristine, and he slid them on and tilted his head back.

_Man_ was he not feeling good. Anyway, he signed a quick "thank you" to Tommy.

"Oh! You're welcome, Mr. Freeman!" Tommy signed "welcome" back, even though he didn't need to, and turned to a woman at his side as she was fiddling with something. "This is-- this is Alyx, Mr. Freeman. And Alyx, this is--"

" _Doctor_ Freeman, I presume." Alyx spoke, a lighthearted tone to her voice. "Dr. Bubby said you would be coming this way, but I didn't think you'd bring this much trouble along the way."

She gestured outside some heavy blue doors, and Gordon squinted. They were in an elevator. Ah. He… Didn't remember being there. But, if he looked close enough, he spotted a few knocked out guards, and-- what he hoped was just, dark red Sweet Voice. He refused to think it was anything else right now.

His eyes slid over to Benrey, sitting where he last was, still. But he looked… Bigger, than usual? A little more buff, a tiny bit taller. His head was ducked and his hands squeezing and letting go of the sleeves of his jumper. Occasionally, he'd sing out a tone of Sweet Voice, and Sunkist would sing back to him and he'd look at her in surprise. It kept happening. You'd figure he'd get used to it.

Alyx pressed a button on the wall, the elevator rumbled before complying, descending as she continued to talk. "I'm Alyx Vance. My father used to work with you, back in Black Mesa? I'm sure you don't remember me, though."

Ah. Maybe. The name 'Vance' didn't ring a bell, but honestly that was to be expected. He vaguely moved his hand for her to keep talking, and she gave him a strange look, crossing her arms.

"A man of few words, aren't you?"

The elevator came to a stop.

"Actually, Mr. Freeman usually talks a lot! I don't know why he's not-- are you okay?" Tommy crouched near him again, and Gordon gave him a tired smile. He couldn't say _out loud_ what was up with him, he'd be fine in a minute. Talking was just illegal in his brain, and he didn't plan on signing away his problem.

Then, a deep buzzing tone, and all three of them looked over to Benrey. He groaned a deep, baritone note of pitch black Sweet Voice, the note growing only slightly higher pitch until the black turned grey, then went to a deep red. Tommy gave a concerned expression, shuffling on the spot.

"Black-- then grey to cherry… That must have been really scary for you, Gordon." Tommy finally spoke, wringing his hands. The door opened, but before Gordon could push himself to his feet, Benrey stood and hoisted him up into his arms. "But that's… That's okay now! You're almost to the lab, we can get you some cool weapons, you don't have to walk around all-- you don't have to be unarmed!"

They stopped at a wall, and Gordon sighed. There was a giant poster plastered onto it, of a balding man looking up and to the left, proudly. He was… Familiar. Yeah, wait, he was the dude talking on the overhead back at the train station, or wherever he was. He lifted his hands to sign, before making an awkward gesture that could be translated poorly. Luckily Tommy was distracted by Sunkist as the dog bounded up to the wall, nosing a button he hadn't noticed.

"You remember him from Black Mesa, your old administrator?" Alyx asked, though she didn't seem to be expecting an answer. Good, because he didn't have one to give her.

The wall creaked, then started to give, sliding off to the side. And revealing a passageway. Which, honestly, was pretty cool. No clue how the fuck he was supposed to get here _alone_ though.

She walked down the hallway, Tommy right behind, and Benrey followed with Sunkist taking up the rear. It felt awkward to be carried around by someone shorter than you, but Gordon suppressed the feeling as much as possible. Luckily, Sunkist was making it easier on him by barking out whatever emotion she was currently feeling. Which, based on how giddy he felt, could only be nothing but happiness.

Alyx opened the door at the end of the hall, turning around to regard Gordon with a smirk. "Funny, you turning up on this day in particular."

Then, she went to a short stairway down, and hopped over the railing. Tommy took the stairs like a normal adult, with Sunkist following his lead, turning around to smile at the last two. Gordon gripped Benrey's shirt, and Benrey tightened his hold on Gordon. He already knew.

The eldritch being took one, two, three steps before launching himself over the railing, coming to a harsh, abrupt stop a few feet away from Alyx, who just sighed.

"We've been helping people escape the city on foot, but it's a dangerous route to my father's lab, through the old canals. Today we're finally on the verge of having a better way." She spoke, reaching out and hesitantly patting Benrey on the back for a job well done.

"Ya! Like with-- with portals! You- we used those before right, Mr. Freeman?" Tommy hummed, bouncing along without a care in the world, and Gordon let out a dry chuckle. They sure _did_ use portals. Can't say he ever had a pleasant moment with them.

Except for Tommy's party. Stressful, but hey, free pizza. And a movie.

He stopped and Gordon looked up, staring at the two vending machines against the wall. Memories came flooding back like a busted dam. "Here Mr. Freeman, let me buy you a soda." He said, clearly trying to hide a giggle, and Gordon lost it.

"S-soda?"

"soda."

"Soda! :)"

"That's what gets you to talk?" Alyx laughed, and Gordon tapped Benrey's arm, thankful he got the gesture and finally let him go. He was wobbly on his feet, and his back and leg were still debating with him on if it was actually okay to walk just yet, but he paid them no clear mind. He trekked for a day and three hours without an arm, he could walk off a few bullet wounds. "I thought you didn't speak at all!"

He wheezed, half limping behind the fake vending machine's door. "Yeah nah, I just-- got fucked up back there. Y'all can't get me to shut up."

"we tried." Benrey added, though they all knew it was a lie.

Alyx sighed, watching Tommy guide Benrey off to the side to talk about properly expressing feelings and whatnot, and turned to Gordon. He was a tall man, and even with his slight hunch from being injured, and all the bruises and half-healed burns that marred his face and neck, he even held the aura of being powerful. Strong. A main character, if she ever met one. "By the way," she started up, and Gordon looked over, a pleasant half smile on his face. "Nice to finally meet you."

"Same to you." He smiled back, and she chuckled. "What's so funny?"

"Your breath smells like cup-noodles."

He paused, then held a hand up to his mouth and exhaled. "Well sorry!" Gordon finally sputtered, walking further into the lab. "I haven't eaten or drank anything in like a _day_ or maybe even _twenty years_ I dunno!"

As Gordon walked, he scanned the room.

It was both somehow massive and cramped at the same time. Plenty of room to walk around, but every wall was lined with… _stuff_ . Objects and sciency stuff that escaped his mind. He had a degree in _theoretical_ science, he didn't really plan on worrying about anything _else_.

The place looked well taken care of, though. Not a speck of dust could be seen, with tables set out, a set of lockers off to the side (labeled Coomer, Bubby, Tommy, and Alyx, with a shoebox next to them labeled Sunkist, and a milkcrate labeled 'benry') rafters turned into shelving space and stacked tall, and pictures hung up on the far wall. A thick cord ran across the floor and he made sure to step over it, so he wouldn't accidentally trip. What really caught his eyes were two big orange tubes that the cord was attached to. He figured Bubby wouldn't want to hear, work with, or know anything about tubes anymore.

Speaking of Bubby, where was he?

" _Deathstriker_ I swear you better come out right fucking now!" Bubby shouted, right on cue, crawling out a dog kennel and resembling more of a gremlin than a scientist. Alyx was right at their side in a heartbeat.

"Uh oh, everything alright, Dr. Bubby?"

"Yeah yeah, hello Alyx." He waved, looking at her for a second before reaching up and jumping, scrambling to climb up to the higher shelves. It didn't work in the slightest and he stumbled to the ground. "Deathstriker got out her cage again, and I am _not_ going to call her Ble--"

That exact moment he stood, he turned around and saw Gordon. The physicist raised his hand to wave, a dopey grin on his face.

"Howdy, Dr. Bubby."

"You absolute sack of shit--" Bubby ran up to him, clasping both his shoulders. Their hold tightened, and Gordon could have sworn he saw wisps of smoke coming from their hair. " _Why_."

He didn't respond at first, hand still awkwardly in the air. Why? There were so many questions he could think of, but he didn't have a single answer to give. "Why--?"

Bubby's hair lit up in a halo of flames, lab coat whisking off the ground as the edges of it glowed a deep ember. " _Twenty_ _years_ , Gordon? We spent so long together in Black Mesa! We suffered together, got along, even if I didn't want to! You taught me shit I never thought I'd even have time to learn, you made me feel shit I didn't care about in the first place! I saw Space, I saw Xen, I saw so many things I've never seen once in my life!"

They continued to rant, hold tightening on his shoulders as he looked back and forth. He was always a scientist of little words, but now was clearly an exception. Gordon didn't have the heart to interrupt. "Hell, I thought we became _friends!_ Even after-- after your arm, you forgave me, you let me out my tube, you-- you--" they hissed, sharply pulling away and crossing their arms, fire suddenly extinguishing with a puff of smoke. "You… just _left._ Why? Why did you leave? Why did you leave… Us?"

There was such a heavy atmosphere, everyone afraid to move. Couldn't move, couldn't breathe. Gordon heard a slight shuffle and looked over, eyes coming to rest on Dr. Coomer, who stood in an adjacent doorway. He obviously heard the commotion.

His hand finally dropped, and he balled it into a fist. "I'm sorry, Dr. Bubby. I didn't-- I wasn't a part of… of leaving. I didn't even know I _went_ anywhere. I just-- after Black Mesa, I went home. I started getting my life back together, then went to sleep one night and… And just woke up, on a train heading here. I don't know anything else-- I don't know how I got dressed like this, how I got onto that train, or how much time even passed until fucking Benrey told me. I didn't _sign up_ for this shit. I would _never_ up and leave you all like that." His voice was firm, waving with the hint of tears, but he refused to let them fall. Bubby's shoulders shook. "Not you, not Dr. Coomer, not Tommy, and not even Benrey."

It was quiet once again, broken only by the clicking of Tommy fiddling with something, Sunkist's gentle breathing, and Coomer walking up, hugging Bubby into his chest.

"W-Well…" Bubby finally spoke up again, voice muffled from the old doctor's fluffy shirt. "You're fuckin shit at showing it. At least you're back… dumbass."

He finally let go of a breath he didn't know he was holding, letting himself walk over and pat Bubby's back. "Love ya too, Dr. Bubby."

"Oh! Do you-- can I get some love too, Mr. Freeman?" Tommy asked, that big, lovable grin on his face unable to be stopped as Gordon playfully sighed.

He held out his arms, and to say Tommy's face lit up was an understatement. "Sure, bring it in."

And, yet again, Gordon was _quickly_ reminded that none of the science team was human in the slightest, as he was promptly scooped off the ground and swung side to side in a powerful Tommy-hug. They only had a second to prepare before Dr. Coomer rushed over, announcing the group hug and wrapping his arms-- _fuck he forgot he had extendo arms--_ around them both. As Gordon's ribs were being blissfully crushed, he felt a gentle pressure to his back and could only barely turn around enough to see Bubby with a singular hand on his back. Guess he wasn't one for hugs then, huh?

Alyx was right behind, laughing at how explosive their reunion was, and attempting to use her _very human_ arms to hug the growing pile. That still left someone out, though.

He didn't have much room to move or gesture, so he used his voice. "Benrey, if you don't come over here I'll break free and hug you myself." Gordon called, barely heard over the sound of Tommy giggling at his hair apparently tickling his nose.

"...make--" his threat would have been even slightly valid if he hadn't spit out enough Sweet Voice to light up the area. Pinks to blues, broken up by complex streams of bright yellows that lead to green and lastly blue, before it all ended with a few lines of bright pink to apricot. The song was wonderfully beautiful, sudden, but appreciated all at once. Already knowing his fate was sealed, he didn't even attempt to wave the Sweet Voice away and joined in on the hug.

Damn his stupid feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sweet Voice Translations:  
> Electric Blue: I'll protect you  
> Rust to Sun: Trust me, Run  
> Black, grey, leads to Cherry: Something was really fucking scary
> 
> Pink to Blue: I love you  
> Yellow, pear, leads to blue: I care about you  
> Pink to apricot: I missed you/this a lot


	4. And Smell the Ashes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the lovely comments!! Hearts go out to:
> 
> Alren_Ki
> 
> Liliflower137 (you went HAM in the comments and i adored every single one of them!)
> 
> And GeekyMushroom!
> 
> Every comment grows my Power and helps me get chapters out faster ❤ ❤ love you all!!

After a brief rundown, where Gordon made a comment over the two scientists' machine that fed paper _directly_ into a trashcan, he was as caught up as he could possibly be.

Bubby and Coomer were just as scatterbrained as ever still, which was both endearing and frustrating, as they tried to explain teleportation to them all. Alyx filled in where she could and he gave her a few impressed nods when he could, most of his time stopping to try to recap everything and filter out whatever didn't matter. And also fiddling with a smaller model that involved teleporting a cactus a few feet away, each time somehow surprised when it sparked up and _worked_. Tommy was happy to run over with new objects for him to teleport, until all of the science team started tossing random objects in until a folder practically exploded and launched itself into the air.

Barney had showed up eventually, telling them all about how Gordon 'stirred up the hive' even though he didn't _do_ anything and got _shot_ (which he very much didn't have to explain, given his clothes were still soaked and stiff with dried blood. Didn't mean he _didn't_ explain). The mere sight of that Combine uniform made him squint, but luckily Sunkist was right there to yawn directly in Barney's face and lay down on top of him, burying that uniform underneath fluffy golden fur.

Benrey and Alyx seemed to be getting along, like they knew each other for a while. And possibly, they did. Though, it _was_ a little sketchy to see them whispering to each other. Last time that happened--

"Teleportation is the hypothetical transfer of matter or energy from one point to another without traversing the physical space between them. It is a common subject in science fiction literature, film, video games, and television. Teleportation is often paired with time travel, being that the travelling between the two points takes an unknown period of time, sometimes being immediate." Oh, and there goes Dr. Coomer. Gordon missed those tangents. He looked over to see Dr. Coomer gesturing enthusiastically. "Teleportation has not yet been implemented legally in the real world-- _as of yet."_

Surprisingly, or maybe not as surprisingly, Bubby seemed entirely interested the entire time Coomer spoke, nodding along and eventually adding their own quip about how it would _stay_ illegal if they had any say about it.

"Alright Gordon, get your ass in gear it's time to teleport." Bubby announced, and Gordon looked up. How the hell was he gonna do _that_? The tubes??? That small ass teleporter? 

Just as Benrey and Alyx tried to see if they could teleport Sweet Voice, Barney managed to crawl out from under Sunkist. "You mean it's working? For real, this time? Because… I still have nightmares about that _pigeon_."

"Of course it's working, Boper!" Coomer smiled brightly, patting him roughly on the back if trying to shut him up. "There's _nothing_ to worry about."

"What pigeon?" Alyx asked, turning to Barney, only for Benrey to interrupt by smacking his lips and whispering "ostrich." The Sweet Voice only gunked up the machine somehow, making the swirling colours around it glow brighter.

"It's Barney--"

" _What pigeon_?"

Tommy spoke up finally, aiming a soda can at Gordon's hand as if it was a gun. He silently took it, only for him to somehow produce another one. "Since Mr. Freeman can't-- isn't using the streets anymore, we should get him out those clothes first! They're all dirty and-- that's not up to code."

"Oh, you got clean clothes? I'd-- I'll take em." Before he really finished his sentence, or even ask what 'code he was referring to, Tommy was off, going over to his locker and slowly rummaging through it for spare sets of clothes. Hopefully clean. He popped the soda up and took a heavy sip.

"lemme give you a. gamer do."

"What the fuck does that mean?" Gordon asked, turning to see Benrey making grabby hands towards his hair. He had a hair tie around his wrist-- where he got it, who knows-- and looked pretty adamant in not letting him get out of it. And that… Didn't seem like a bad idea, actually. He turned away and tilted his head back, giving Benrey a vague noise to say he could go ahead.

Right away, Benrey's claws running through his hair? Heaven. They felt like wide combs, gently gathering his (kinda sweaty) hair into a neater and neater bunch. Some snags happened, but the slight irritation was barely there. "...soft. uh… good?"

Was that even a question, if his hair was _actually_ soft, or was he just asking if it was fine to put his hair up now? He took another sip and shrugged. "Thanks? I uh-- take good care of it. It grows really fast and I'm always fuckin' pullin' on it so I kight as well take care of it." Benrey looped the hair tie around the bundle a few times, leaving it in a rather straight ponytail. A bit longer and more full than his usual rat tail, but it was kinda to be expected.

Once Benrey pulled away, Gordon ran his free hand over his hair, scratching at it somewhat. Not bad, not bad. A bit tight and too professional, but at least it was off his fucking neck and shoulders so no complaints there. Tommy walked back over to them, shoving a pile of clothes at his chest until he awkwardly grabbed it all, trying not to spill soda on it.

Then, Tommy gave a polite smile, and immediately ran full tilt over to what looked like a garage door and smacked the button so hard it cracked. Apparently Tommy never got used to 'time moving faster'.

The door ripped itself open, and Tommy stepped aside, waving his hands for Gordon to look inside-- just for a headcrab to jump out, latching onto one of his arms.

" _Tommy!_ " Gordon screamed, dropping everything and rushing forward, grabbing onto the squirming thing. Old habits die hard. Tommy tried to say something to him, to warn him not to try to hold it, but it was far too late.

The headcrab spun in his hands, clawed limbs curling into his hair and shirt collar and attaching to his face. All his screams were muffled, turning around and scrambling to yank the beast off. It wouldn't fucking _let go_ and pulling only caused it to curl tighter in his hair and screech into his ears and it's _breath_ was terrible and--

It wasn't biting him. "Now Bleeper, you should know it's not nice to climb on someone without permission." Coomer spoke evenly, and the headcrab ' _Bleeper???_ ' untangled itself from Gordon's hair, leaping free and happily waddling to the two older scientists

Gordon stared on in stunned silence, hand moving up to drag through his hair, just to find it way more messy, with a lock of it fully pulled from the ponytail and flopped over his face.

"Did you like-- did you _train_ a headcrab? I thought they had like-- fuckin sharp teeth and _beaks_ and shit," he gasped, watching Bleeper hop up onto Bubby's head.

"Of course they do, dumbass." Was all Bubby said, and Gordon decided that he did _not_ need to ask anymore questions.

Picking up his dropped clothes, and apologizing for spilling soda on the floor, he wandered over to the HEV suit.

The moment Gordon walked inside the garage, the door behind him shut, and lights flooded the room. The HEV suit stood proudly in its case, updated since the last time he ever saw one. The stomach area alone was enough to make him sigh, running his hand along the strong kevlar and pushing in on it. The previous suit was 90% metal, even including the stomach, so bending over and sitting down (let's not mention _swimming_ , his arms could barely take dragging a giant metal suit out the water every time he had to breathe) was pretty much always uncomfortable.

He was out of his old clothes and in the new ones quickly, stopping only to check his wounds and grimace at the raised skin scars. He'd be sure to thank Benrey for the help, and tell him that he'd hopefully never need it again.

The suit opened upon pressing a button at its chest, resembling an iron maiden or venus flytrap, of course minus the spikes and insect-eating qualities. Gordon nodded to himself, stepping up the platform and turning around, pressing his back into the cushioned inner lining. Right away, the chest snapped over him, locking him in place. Then the arms, snapping closed with a solid click each once his hands were securely inside the gloves. Finally, his legs, feeling more like a vice. Fuck, was the thing snug. Nothing could ever get in or out.

At least, he hoped.

The door was open before Gordon was ready to walk out, experimentally flexing his fingers and stretching his legs as he stepped out to everyone patiently (or impatiently, if you asked Bubby) waiting for him. 

"Fits like a glove!" Tommy called out, backed up by Alyx mumbling something along the lines of 'at least the glove parts do.'

Coomer was the first over to him, walking around and examining the suit. Probably to check to see if everything fits correctly. "Is there a tune in your head, Gordon?" He asked, looking up to the physicist once he was done with the once over.

Gordon was apparently the last to notice he was rocking his head side to side, to some music that seemingly came into his head once the suit was on. Odd. "Huh? Oh yeah-- yeah there is, it's bumpin'." He joked, making Coomer grin.

Alyx grabbed Gordon's elbow and pulled, guiding him over to a wall with a black and orange rather complex looking machine attached to it. "I'd charge it up before you go, that's Dr. Coomer's 'wikipedia' face." She smirked, and Gordon gave an amused chuckle, following Alyx's instructions by placing his palm flat on an orange circle.

It pulsed and his suit began to warm up around him, playing a slight grinding, groaning, and clicking noise as it did so. A little spinny do-dad emptied as he charged his suit.

"The Mark 5 Hazardous Environments (HEV) suit has been redesigned for comfort and protection--" right on cue, Coomer went off in his speech.

"what are you doing-?" Benrey asked, before cutting himself off and standing up straight, sneering and looking around. Sunkist followed him a split second later, up on her feet and barking out a single string of dark and dreary Sweet Voice. None of them had a smooth transition, as if it hurt her to say it. He didn't think it could _get_ that dark.

Tommy looked up as soon as she did so, a look of pure worry crossing his face as Barney asked what that meant. They were drowned out by an alarm, blaring, overtaking any noise that even thought about happening in the lab. Gordon barely heard Tommy shout "Colours that aren't bright mean something's not right!"

Alyx, Barney, and Bubby were quick on their feet, guiding Gordon over to the last wall of the lab that didn't lead directly back out. He almost questioned Bubby when he bit their thumb, smearing blood on a blue panel-- a DNA scanner, he could tell-- right before the wall opened up and he was pushed inside.

There was a television screen on, flickering a fuzzy image of someone standing on the other side. He didn't get a chance to pay attention.

"There's not much time-- Gordon, Alyx, get on the teleporter. I'll send you both to Darnold and try to work from there."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter bc i hate this scene, it goes on forever and it's meant to get you more attatched to Barney and Alyx but juggling 8 characters is fucking hard as shit. It'll get back on track next chapter


	5. Make It Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the Big Bad when it comes to stress, please heed the first note warnings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for:
> 
> Panic attacks
> 
> Thoughts of body destruction
> 
> (Slight) body horror
> 
> Eye mention
> 
> Drowning/choking
> 
> Emeto/vomiting
> 
> Summary is at the end if you must skip this chapter ❤

All he could hear was frantic talking, voices piling over each other while somehow trying to stay as calm as possible. He said something a few times, trying to ask how Darnold was doing how he was a father, but barely anything stuck in his brain. The only things he retained was that Darnold was _not_ a father, he was Alyx's caretaker, and that they were trying to teleport them both there simply because he would be needed.

He followed orders as they were barked at him. Go to the teleporter with Alyx, check. Stand inside with Alyx, check. Make sure you weren't touching Alyx, check. Though that last part was hard, it was a bit cramped in there already, he managed.

His eyes trailed up at Bubby, hunched over the control panel, fingers flying over the keys as he mouthed something to themselves. Their hair was smoking with stress, Bleeper looking more and most uncomfortable as it stayed there. He couldn't blame it.

"Are you sure this shit is safe? Shouldn't we do it one at a time?" Gordon asked, trying to keep his voice level despite his growing panic. "We got time, right? You got this, Bubby."

The scientist only grew more stressed with each word. An alarm rang again, the contraption around Gordon and Alyx springing to life. A blue laser beamed down at them from a giant machine above, swirling colours overtaking their vision. He heard Alyx speaking beside him, her voice getting higher pitches and more panicked as the lasers and metal panels started spinning around them. Her skin started to  _ glow,  _ not a nice type of glow either, it looked sharp and violent like she was being filled with electricity. Hell, if he wasn't glad for his HEV suit then he sure fucking was now.

"I don't got this! Just hold onto your asses and pray you don't die!" Bubby yelled, slamming a button on the panel, and everything heightened.

"I trust you, Dr. Bubby!"

"You  _ shouldn't _ !"

First, white. A bright light surrounded and engulfed them, stealing away his breath. He heard Alyx try to gasp right beside him, choke in breath that wasn't coming, and was tempted to comfort her. He really was, truely, but every single movement was impossible. He couldn't breathe, couldn't blink, couldn't look over at her or pat her back or whisper that it would be over soon, all he could do was stare off into the white expanse until it burned his eyes. It prickled at his skin under the suit, millions of pins and needles traveling in waves, switching between shocking numbness to feeling as if every single hair on his body was being plucked out at once.

It only lasted exactly one second, but that second felt like years.

Darnold came into view, along with a much darker, messier lab. He was talking to them, a few people off to his side gesturing for them to come off, but Gordon felt  _ wrong _ . Something was terrible, something was going to go  _ very wrong _ . The panels encasing them continued to spin with no chance of slowing down, and even Darnold looked concerned. With what little bit of his face he could make out.

His right hand twitched and burned as if it was on fire, lifting suddenly and sending a harsh shove to Alyx's shoulder. She tumbled forward, falling out of the teleporter and landing on the ground. He said something, maybe, he couldn't tell, but Alyx nodded.

And, Gordon was back.

Long enough to scream in agony, feeling as if his chest was being ripped off his body yet being crushed at the same time. He couldn't suck in enough air to fucking  _ breathe _ and his ballence was shit, everything swimming and churning around him thickly. Coomer was there. Benrey was there. Tommy was there. Sunkist was there.

There was noise, there was so much noise. Digging his fingers into his ears and curling up only did so much to dampen it. His eyes were the only thing left not overwhelmed, and he stared around at the ceiling. The lovely, blank, unchanging ceiling. Other than the layers of vibrant, curling colours streaming across his eyes, everything was fine.

That's what he was telling himself, anyway.

Until something emerged from seemingly nowhere, leaping across his vision and causing a steel beam to come careening down, smashing against the machine. He gagged while he felt what could only be described as larvae crawling under his skin, nipping at his flesh and burrowing into his bones. His lungs felt stiff, heavy, he wanted to slide his hands down his face and claw at his throat. Wanted to tear it open and reach into his lungs to free them of this agony.

A full body ache, amplified by the  _ noise.  _ He took a deep breath this time and held it despite feeling as if he was suffocating, freeing his ears in hopes he would be told what was happening. His head dipped and his shoulders shook, hearing himself screaming. He didn't know he ever started.

"It's your pet the freakin head-humper!" Came Barney's voice, and Gordon let out a weak cough-laugh between grunts of pain. Weight landed on his head, but he didn't need to look up to know what it was. Bleeper dug its claws into his ponytail, and he could feel the headcrab shake with pure fear. 'You and me both', he would have said, if the world hadn't frozen him to the core.

Suddenly, heat.

Scorching hot sun beat down on him without mercy and he looked up, vision swimming and head throbbing, as Bleeper leaped from him and ran off. Good. He'd do the same if his legs weren't made of concrete. At least it was safe, now, chasing after a crow and-- oh… Well… at least it was safe and fed.

White. Cold.

This room was cold, and he was standing. Gordon could only turn his head a few inches in any given direction, and all he could make out was that he was standing in an office. A cold, futuristic office. The violent contrast between scorching hot sands to freezing cold AC was enough to make him shudder. He could barely make out much of anything special but a hefty computer right behind a wooden desk, and an old, red beret resting on it.

He wanted it  _ over _ .

White. Lab.

There was even more yelling than before.

"We're not going to lose Gordon again!" Coomer hollered, and Gordon looked down. Bubby was wrapped around him, trying to pull him back, as Dr. Coomer had his arms somewhat extended. His hands were making grabby motions and he was tempted to reach out and grab them. Coomer was safe. Coomer pulled him to safety many times before.

"You can't, it'll peel you and him apart!" Bubby yelled right back, and Gordon stared.

"Shut it down already!" Came Darnold. Gordon stared.

"Sunkist keep doing--  _ Benrey, no!" _

He was wrapped in a hug. He originally tried to pull away, scream that this wasn't safe, but no words came. His body didn't move. Every inch of contact calmed the squirming mess that was his skin, stopped the twitching of his muscles, and suppressed the quaking disaster that was his bones. Gordon found his voice long enough to rip a scream from his dead lungs.

White.

"Benrey, why are you here?"

"He's different, he can't be-- Benrey, keep holding onto Gordon. He can't leave the teleporter, something's wrong and--"

The rest of Darnold's words were lost as the world flashed white again.

"...Benrey?  _ Freeman _ ?" Came a throaty, droning voice. Gordon tried to lift his head, he really did, but Benrey was already holding him in place. Everything hurt. Benrey was holding him and everything was quieter and softer but still  _ hurt _ and he couldn't stop it. "How the hell did you get here?"

Nothing. Void.

Pitch black. Benrey was gone.

Gordon lifted his head, eyes wide in shock, but he couldn't  _ see _ anything. He was falling that's all he knew, falling, plunging into an inky void that splashed up around him like water and sucked at him like tar. It was dark. It was smothering. Every breath was filled with the liquid, dragging him further, and further down. He could only hear water rushing in his ears, feel bubbles traveling around his suit and face as he fell even deeper.

He would have struggled if he could but it was pointless. It was all pointless. 

Cracks of light formed all around him, slits of brightness overtaking every inche of his immediate vision, before they widened.

Eyes. Eyes of straining, flashing, warping colours. Eyes of bleeding shades and tones. Eyes that overtook the darkness entirely and bathed him in light.

Then, solid ground. Dry, solid ground. He wasn't even wet. Was where he ended up last even real?

"Where  _ is _ he?" Bubby called out, and Gordon blinked, forcing himself to stand properly and try to take in his surroundings. He was standing on a fire escape. He was looking in through a window. He was staring at the back of Bubby's head. He could see Sunkist yanking cords out of that damned teleporter. He could see Dr. Coomer wailing at the metal beams surrounding it. He could see Darnold and Alyx on the TV.

"Behind you." Darnold shouted, and Bubby turned around with a shout of his own.

Dr. Coomer pressed up against the glass suddenly, banging on its surface as he spoke. "You need to get out of here, Gordon! If you stay you might get ripped out of this reality--  _ go! _ "

That, he could do.

With a gross sob turned gag, Gordon forced himself to walk. It was slow, disgustingly slow. He scrubbed at his colour-stained eyes and all but fell off the landing, vision flashing white for a second, and he curled up in a ball. No more,  _ no more _ . A second or two passed, but nothing else happened. The colours staining his vision were finally gone. The machine must have turned off.

Back up to his feet, he followed a path, or what he hoped was a path, through electric equipment he didn't have the brain power to name. Gordon would have pushed on, continued through the agony of existing, if something blue hadn't caught his eye.

"Benrey." Gordon said.

"Gordon." Benrey said.

He was holding his head, one eye squinted shut, but he looked fine. Could just pass that off as a headache.

"You have no idea how happy I am to see you," Gordon laughed weakly, almost slamming his back onto the wall Benrey was leaning against in an attempt to look casual. His legs gave out on him the second it happened, and he slid down into a sit. "Oh fuck, I'm gonna be sick."

That's all the warning he was able to give before he flung himself to the side, vomiting right onto the concrete floor.

"yo, what the fuck!" Benrey groaned flinching away as Gordon continued to empty his relatively empty stomach. "gordon vomman. freespit. spurtin the yurk--"

Gordon coughed up a pathetic laugh, spitting a few times before pushing himself back to his feet. Gotta get moving. " _ Stop _ that's so much more gross than actually throwing up."

"'m not the one doin Big Spit." He tried to joke, and Gordon faked gagging just to hear Benrey freak out and turn away. "ok, ok, stop."

"I fuckin' wish." His legs wouldn't move. He was so tired. This was such a long fucking day. "It felt like I was being torn apart, piece by piece. All my atoms were separating and they didn't like that. I was choking on nothing and drowning in air and it-- it fucking  _ hurt _ , man. It hurt so goddamn much."

Benrey hummed, voice catching in his throat as he watched Gordon sway in place. He could taste Sweet Voice on his tongue as Gordon shakily took a step, fear-giggling to himself about how he was unsteady on his feet. It was awful to see. It reminded him of… of when he lost his arm. Rocking in place, barely able to stand, delirious laughing. It hurt to see him so… Fucked up.

"then take a. nap. Gordos need nap? little baby need beddy bye?" He was entirely serious despite the mocking tone, and Gordon snorted 

"I would, man. But like, sleep right here? On the concrete in the open? Next to vomit?"

"you put it there."

"I--" a pause. "I did, yeah. Alright, fine, I'll… Uh. Rest here. I'm just gonna sit for like, five minutes, don't let me fall asleep." And, true to his word, he pressed himself against a wall a bit further away from his mess, and slumped onto the floor. What was he complaining about concrete for? He slept on harder floors in Black Mesa before, this was just like old times. A nice sit-down. "I'm not gonna sleep, but just in case I start to, slap me or something."

He nodded. Nah. Not gonna. Benrey started singing. He originally wasn't going to sing, was just going to let Gordon sit down and fall asleep-- humans did that a lot, fall asleep even though they said they weren't going to-- bit there was no harm in speeding up the process. The Sweet Voice started blue, as his always did. Calm down, and Gordon said something about thanking him for it. He wasn't really listening to what he said, though, and continued.

Yellow to Umber started to fill the air, and Gordon tilted his head back, closing his eyes and yawning. He said something about how he wasn't going to sleep, just resting his eyes. He ignored him. He paused long enough to properly transition again, white to a frosty blue, like ice. Gordon said something about his voice sounding really pretty there. He heard that clearly.

Too clearly, as his Voice spiked into a sudden, abrupt squeak, and Gordon hummed. He did that a lot. It sounded nice. He wished Gordon could use Sweet Voice like him, so he could understand how he felt. The hum died off into gentle breathing, and he finally stopped singing.

It would be… Fine, right? If he just hit pause on life? No one was around, anyway, and Gordon needed sleep. Life needed Gordon, bit Gordon needed sleep, and Gordon was way more important right now. It was fine. Tommy's dad did it all the time.

Ambient noises of everyday life, wind, and the distant alarms slowed and distorted before coming to a complete stop. And Benrey dusted his hands off, going over to an electric pillar and sitting on one of its raised ledges. He'd keep watch. He'd protect Gordon. It was the least he could do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Gordon and Alyx are forced into the teleporter at once in hopes to crunch time, but it fails. Gordon feels that something is wrong, so he pushes Alyx out the way once they get to (Alyx's caretaker) Darnold's lab.
> 
> Gordon is stuck in the teleporter and is teleported around in various locations, and halfway through, Benrey jumps in to comfort Gordon.
> 
> The teleporter spits them both out outside and is destroyed by the science team in order to save Gordon's life. Gordon gets sick. Benrey feels bad for him, so he makes him go to sleep and pauses time for him.
> 
> Sweet Voice translations:
> 
> Yellow to Umber: Have a nice slumber  
> White to Ice: Something nice


	6. I Will, Only For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Making up for that trainwreck of the last chapter ❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everytime i hyperfocus, i write One (1) sentence

...He kinda missed this.

Just, sitting down. Watchin' Gordon. Well, in Black Mesa he never wrapped a pocket dimension around them while they slept, he just kinda sat awake, keeping watch. He remembered Tommy or Dr. Coomer tried to tell him to switch off, but he wasn't human. Far from it, but that was uh…Fine. He just told em to lay back down, and they did.

But this was different and this was fine. He'd prolly uh, close this place up when Gordon started to wake up. It didn't look pretty. Kinda like, something only _he_ could see? If Gordon woke up and opened his eyes he'd prolly go like. Brain mush. Mash potato brained. Stupid or dead, and he didn't want either to happen. So he would just let em sleep for a little while. He looked calm when he slept. He wished that happened more often.

Not the sleeping part, nah, the uh… Calm part. Calm down. 'S Why he used it on him so much, always getting angry or stressed. Always had calm down on the backburner, could whip that up in a heartbeat. What was he thinking about?

Oh yea, wanting to see Gordon calm.

He left him alone for the first month. Not like, on purpose, he was spending that time trying to rebuild his body, but when he finally got it all together and spent extra time loading textures that he never bothered to make sure existed (like uh, skin? And hair? People just _had_ that, all over their bodies? Shit was rad). Once he was fresh out the oven, he asked the science team if it was alright.

Bubby was free talking to him. He still felt shitty about what they did, well, both of them still felt shitty. It was gross. He never had to feel guilt before, why'd Gordos Feetman have to start all that? Lame. Anyway, Bubby said he was fine. Dr. Coomer took a bit longer, explaining morals and emotions and all that jazz. He tried to listen, really did. It just made him feel all weird.

Tommy was pretty uh… hard to talk to, at first. He didn't want to talk to him and Gman _definitely_ didn't want him to talk to Tommy, which was like?? Really unepic??? Eventually they started texting (he got a phone! Just had to talk to Bubby and Coomer and they got him one) and then calling, and Tommy forgave him. He talked about how he learned stuff and already felt terri-bad about all the crap he did and all the transformations he did out of stress. Tommy eventually told him about how Gordon had stress relating to him? So he would have to slowly introduce himself to him if they wanted to be friends? 

That was like, sucks. He was a great cool how could you be stressed about him? He was a good nice. But he would listen, anyway. He'd keep his distance.

He like, tried that, though. He found his number via Tommy and tried texting him, but all he ever said was "who is this" "how did you get my number" and "stop scaring my family". Lame.

The 20 years he was gone… Damn, that was long. It was longer than he ever thought possible, crawling so fucking slowly. He visited his shitty house so many times, trying to just get him to calm down and let him talk, and it was like he listened one day and left the door open.

He just, walked in. And his shitty son was real, he didn't expect that, just wandering around the empty house and crying about being hungry. Hadn't eaten in two days? Which was sucks. Major badness there. He couldn't cook, so he just got whatever he could that was human-edible from the cabinets and fridge and dumped it all for him to eat. He did it for the next day or so, about ready to yell at Gordos Lameman for leaving little Gordos Jr all alone and hungry, but he didn't show up.

He got Tommy first, then Tommy got Coomer, then Coomer got Bubby. Then Bubby got Barney.

Its not like he didn't know who Barney was, he was a dude that kinda looked like him, and had some issue with that fuzzy yeast liquid. He personally didn't like it. He could always hear Gordon get up and sneak out every place the team laid down to rest, go outside and chat it up with the guy. Apparently they had been friends before they met, which didn't make sense. He and Gordon grew up together, sucks he didn't remember that, but whatever. At least he remembered.

Damnit, he went off track again. Had to keep his mind at least _somewhat_ focused to keep this bubble together.

Barney took care of Joshua while they waited for Gordon to come back home. Apparently _he_ "wasn't a good caretaker" and "fed the kid uncooked oatmeal" but he _ate it_ anyway! What was the big deal? Not like he tried to make him get a fever.

He still felt shitty about it. He tried his best to help, he just… Didn't know what he was doing. Joshua never got mad at him, though.

Every year that passed was so slow, everyone stressing about Gordon, Joshua waking up every morning and asking where his dad was, life around them dissolving into hell.

It got so bad Benrey had let himself go. Stopped focusing so much into looking passing-human and stretched his body into eldritch territory. He tried sniffing out Feetman's tracks, as faint as they were, tried spreading his body and limbs and eyes to every nook and cranny that a human could get to, but still _nothing_. He just vanished one day.

It was so painful.

Eventually, he had to accept it. Everyone accepted that Gordon was "gone". No one said dead, everyone refused to say dead. No bodies came up, no graves were dug, no articles were created, no files were filed. Gordon was alive, just gone.

So, he started looking more human-adjacent. Close enough to pass if no one was really paying attention. He still kept the slightly blue-ish pale skin, the sharpass coolass teeth, the claws, and the yellow eyes. Everything else he sort of suppressed. Kinda second nature, now. It really scared that kid at first when he had eight more eyes and stood at eight feet tall with a giant swishing tail behind him, wandering into the lab in search for a soda or two, so he vowed to keep it simple. That KISS method. Kiss kiss, bro.

He had to learn how to be a human, and man that was such a process. Really annoying, really embarrassing, really time consuming. He rather act like a mix of both, you know? Human and eldritch being, was that so hard?

Then when all the combines started coming around, he just went ham and killed a bunch of them. What did it matter, they were all evil anyway, he thought. Nope, it did matter. He was like, recruited? Put through shitty stuff. Found out how to stop him from using his powers. Found out about his Sweet Voice, too and… it was shitty, man. He never felt so garbo for so long. It was the Science Team that got him free from that hell, and while they said they did it because they were friends, he still couldn't believe it. People just, liked him? Like that? Unrealistic. Blocked.

Being part of the combine, even undercovers (which didn't make sense because no one gave him a blanket), was pretty lame. Everything was boring and lame until Gordon showed up, looking around with his soft as fuck hair down being all cute and confused and scared. The last part wasn't cute, he didn't like that look on him, but still. Gordon was _back_.

He'd do anything to keep him around now. Life got dreary and terrible when he was gone, and now he was back and everything was exciting and fun again. Except that part where he got attacked by combines. Gordon had already passed out so he didn't see one of the forms he took on, bloodying the halls along with Sunkist until Alyx came along. He had to turn back normal so she wouldn't see him and like, die from shock or whatever, and he got to hug Gordon again. It was more to keep him safe and check him over for injuries (which he got really mad at, they _shot_ Gordon? He was fucking human! They better be fucking lucky he couldn't track down the bastards that did that or else they'd be dead) than anything else like, happywise, but it was fine. 

A breeze messed up his already messy hair, and he growled, taking a deep breath and trying to reset the time stop. He didn't exactly master it during the time Gordon was away, but he could do it for about ten minutes if he _really_ kept focus. Guess having Gordon back really fucked with his focus.

"Oh, I… Should have known."

"bro that's? so rude." Benrey spat, simultaneously singing out dark blue Sweet Voice, turning to look at the only person that could actually stop time. (Well, Tommy was next on the list, but he said he didn't know how to stop it and he didn't want to accidentally cause one and never be able to talk to his friends again.) "can't you. leave? Gor-Gor's having nap nap."

Gman walked casually over to the sleeping human, slowly, meticulously bending over, and staring at his face. Gordon twitched in his sleep, eyes scrunching further closed and right hand clenching. His arm flexed right afterwards, so sudden and strong that the sleeve of the suit slightly bulged outwards before returning to normal. "Such… Fickle, creatures. Relying on… Some _thing_ such as yourself to. Keep safe."

"yooo get away from him." As he stood, the lights around him shifted, twisting and snapping as they struggled to keep together. He didn't care about the _thing_ part, he already accepted it as a pronoun as Gman refused to call him by anything else. "he was sleeping fine and now you're waking him up. unpog. unsubscribe. lameass."

Either the threat didn't land or Gman just ignored him, but either way, the man stood up. He continued to look at Gordon as his head dipped down to his chest, breathing beginning to pick up. "Well, I will… leave, so to speak. Just know, you should… _never_ do this again." His free hand moved down, hovering inches away from Gordon's hair. Benrey snarled this time, waves of negative Sweet Voice spilling from dagger-like teeth. "Do not play with power that is… not your own, lest you… Well, I don't think I… Need to explain more?"

He took a step closer and Gman turned to him, grinning as if this was all a game, and set his hand down. All he did was pat Gordon on the head twice, as if he was a dog, and turned around to fully face him. "But, let's just say… Mr. Freeman is much more special than… you might think, Entity."

"don't _fucking_ touch him." 

"Don't use my powers again." 

The world crackled and split, time quickly and violently started up again, and Gordon jolted awake.

He looked around, squinting and rubbing his head, _right were Gman touched,_ Benrey thought. "Wh-- huh? Did I fall asleep-- Benrey! You were supposed to keep me awake-- what's with all the Sweet Voice?" 

Oh. Yeah. That. Benrey blinked up at the colours. Mostly black to dark blue, black then grey to red, then black to grey. He didn't want to say what any of them meant. "jus spittin balls, you know how I do." He shrugged, and, to demonstrate, started singing some normal Calm Down blue. He was glad it _also_ worked on him. Gordon stood up with a bit of a grunt. "and you didn't uh… fall asleep, bro. you just sat down for like, a minute."

The lie was fine, he didn't need Gordon to know about anything that happened. He was under enough stress.

"Oh really? Well, thanks for keeping watch, then. Means a lot. My headache is gone and everything, so I think I'm good to go. You good?" 

With you around again? Always. That's not what he said, though. He said "I'm cool as _cuke_ bro." and started walking off. They had a long rest-of-the-day ahead, and hearing Gordon laughing always made it just a bit brighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sweet Voice translations:
> 
> Dark Blue: I hate you
> 
> Black to dark blue: I really fucking hate you
> 
> Black, grey, leads to red: I want you fucking dead
> 
> Black to grey: Go away
> 
> Little key! Black Sweet Voice in my AU automatically makes any Sweet Voice colour or combo negative, even if the combo is already negative.
> 
> Ex, positive: green to blue = nice to meet you  
> Black, green, leads to blue: I never want to see you
> 
> Ex, negative: red to white = I'm not alright  
> Black, red, leads to white = I want to be out of sight


	7. You Okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The real violence starts here and only picks up!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Sweet Voice is used in this chapter

_ What the fuck did Gman do to Gordon? _

That was the main thought on Benrey's mind all while Gordon got up, walking off and babbling about something. It was something about how he was confused and a bunch of all the stuff he saw, and even mentioning eyes? Which was. Odd. He shouldn't have been able to  _ see _ that, but guess everything might as well happen.

It was probably curing that headache, that was the first thing Gordon mentioned when he woke up, but Gman  _ never _ just did something nice without somehow fucking up something else, just for fun. The bastard.

Barney had tossed Gordon a piece of metal-- crowbar,  _ crowbar _ . Why was it called a crowbar? It didn't look like a crow, and-- whatever. He got all buddy-buddy with Barney when he did, thanking him and smiling with that stupid nice smile. He looked so happy just to have a stinking crowbar, and Barney wasn't even appreciating it! All he did was say he needed to check up on Bubby at the lab and that they would catch up later, and to ask refugees for help. Like they would need it,  _ he _ was here, he was stronger--

"Gordon smash!" Gordon grinned, bringing his crowbar up and absolutely decimating a plank of wood, leaving it splinters on the ground. Then, another, letting the remains join the first as he kicked them around. Just for fun, he smashed one one that was higher up, entirely out of his way, and walked down the stairs the boards once sectioned off. Sure was one way to knock Benrey out of his head. " _ Man _ it feels good to do that."

He turned, waving his crowbar at Benrey. The grassy gravel grounded under his heavy heels and the eldritch being found himself staring at them. Were they even comfortable? "You comin'? Or are you tryna think of something to say about me like, destroying the place? Or my feet. You're always staring at my feet, I don't even know if I should even bring it up you never answer me when it comes to that." 

He was quiet for a while, brain trying to catch up to all the words Gordon just said. "Wha--huh?" Benrey finally blinked, and just as Gordon smacked his lips and was ready to turn around and continue forward, his brain caught up. "Yeah? No, fuck this place." Punctuating his sentence with a solid punch to one of the nearby gates. It bent sharply, snapping off from its base embedded into the concrete, and fell to the grounds below. He could swear he heard it hit something before it fully stopped.

"Damn, I forgot you were that strong." Gordon laughed, and that did it. Benrey laughed too, wild and maniacal. It sounded even louder now that they were outside. When was the last time he laughed like that? Not without Gordon around. "C'mon let's see if there's more shit to smash, let's  _ go _ !"

All there was to smash was exactly  _ one _ wooden crate, and Gordon took his day out on it, crowbar slashing and crushing it until it broke apart. It had nothing in it, which was pretty dumb, but man did it feel good to smash shit again. It just felt good to  _ have _ something! He'd hold this crowbar to the end of time so he wouldn't feel so stupidly vulnerable again.

Gordon lifted his head with a vague laugh, looking up just in time to see Benrey close his fist around something. An awful sound of crunching metal and glass was muffled by his hand, and whatever he just crushed was popped right into his mouth.

"Good goin', man." Gordon said in reflex, the memory of seeing Benrey shooting something unrecognizable and leaving it a giant explosion of  _ red _ in Black Mesa coming back full force. He didn't want to think about what he just ate. There was no sense of normalcy to ever have. Benrey was silent, but he didn't question it further.

The ground turned into what seemed to be another gate, the walls destroyed and curled outwards. The used-to-be path was too fucked up to properly traverse, so the long way through the trains was the only option. Gordon voiced his thoughts-- he couldn't help it, falling right into line of de-facto leader even though he didn't know this world. He jumped down with Benrey right in tow, giving a mental nod to Bubby and Coomer for giving him his HEV suit. He barely felt the fall.

Train carts filled the tracks, half off track, aged to the point of disrepair. Only the left side was open, so he took off towards it and climbed into one of the open carts, breaking a pallet or two with a few hearty swings of the crowbar.

"You behi--  _ fuck _ !!" Gordon turned, flinching back as his body whiplashed between fear, anger, and relief all at once. Benrey was fucking behind him, of course, but dressed as a combine officer minus the mask. How the hell did he change that quickly?? " _ Don't _ do that to me! I'm barely hanging on by a thread, dude!"

"wh gordos fearman," Benrey barely said, kicking through the rest of the crates blocking the exit. "bad shooties outside, gotta go. go fast. sprint time? Gordon Sprint?"

"You remember that shit?" True to what he said, Gordon could hear distant radio-like voices around them. Had they been followed? Or was everyone on high alert? It probably didn't help that they weren't exactly being  _ quiet _ earlier. No matter, Benrey stepped to the side, gesturing a clear path for him to run, and he listened.

And, just to humour him, he whispered "Gordon, sprint!" As he dashed past.

Still air and dusty wind flowed over his hair as he ran, a giant, orange target in the middle of an open track. The suit was heavy, forcing him to push harder, move his legs a bit wider than usual, ignoring the shouts and commands barked for his demise. His suit thudded hard a split second before a gunshot was heard, but a second later, there was  _ another _ gunshot right behind him and a scream in the distance. This time, he  _ knew _ who it was.

"Nice goin' man!" He cheered, this time in earnest, sparing a quick look back to see Benrey grinning at him with a proud look on his face as if he just scored a goal instead of killing someone. It was still so weird to see him running, and it was clear he wasn't struggling to keep up. What a monster. One of his favourite monsters.

He turned sharply, reaching out and grabbing Gordon's wrist and swinging him back around another abandoned cart. Neither got a chance to say anything as Gordon hissed and ducked his head sharply, pressing past Benrey and clambering up the stairs to a different cart. They were mere seconds apart, eyes focused, climbing a far ladder and pulling themselves onto the top on the cart. Just as Benrey climbed out, he watched Gordon gracefully leap over to the last train cart in the line, landing with a deep grunt and turning to wave him over.

Jumping was never his strong suit. He could climb nearly anything, find a way to perch on any surface that was even remotely flat, but jumping? Ehhh… Gearing himself up, Benrey huffed twice and got a running start, jumping off the cart--

Just for pain to bloom inside his calf, making him choke out a gasp for help. His front half landed on the cart, claws digging into the metal and tearing it apart as he tried to find solid purchase. Hands were on his, grabbing his sleeves, his collar, then the back of his shirt as Gordon all but yanked up to the top of the cart. Damn, forget what he said about _Benrey_ being strong, Gordon just lifted him nearly single handedly.

"You good to go?"

"yea." He lied, looking up at Gordon as he gave him a once over. He made sure to keep his leg out of view, and either Gordon was too distracted to fully look or he could tell Benrey didn't want his injury seen, he stood up and turned to the last jump. "i'll cover. go ahead."

Gordon gave him another look, a small smile on his bloody face--  _ bloody _ ?-- before he said something along the lines of "graceful like a gazelle" and jumping, landing on the other side of the gate and taking off.

Benrey didn't move for a second, turning to where he knew the enemy fire was coming from and picking them off, one by one. He heard their screams, but didn't care about them. He still didn't forgive them for this morning, and refused to ever forget it. Seeing Gordon cowering like that was devastating, knowing that he was helpless, that he hadn't been protecting him, like he said he would. And, he failed,  _ again _ . Gordon was  _ bleeding _ .

With the last of the combine down, Benrey no-clipped through the train, standing on the other side of the gate, and bent down to pick out the bullet in his calf with his claws. The wound would heal, no need to use Sweet Voice on himself, but he didn't want to be carrying around shrapnel in his body if he could avoid it. There was a second gate further up, wooden splinters littering the ground telling that Gordon had smashed through them, and he sped through it with only a slight limp. Not enough to notice, he hoped, rounding a corner and down some stairs and--

"Benrey!" Gordon waved, giving him a quick, tired smile. "I kinda stopped, didn't wanna leave you behind." Which was half and half a lie. He didn't want to leave him behind, sure, but he was  _ also _ unsure of where to go and pretty much needed a guide. Especially a guide with a gun. Where'd he even find that thing?

"you care me? care for benny, friend. bein' nice and shit." Benrey wasn't even sure what  _ he _ was saying, brain switching between  _ Gordon is bleeding you have to stop the bleeding _ and  _ Gordon likes you :) _ .

"Yeah? I mean, I think I considered you a friend-- at some point in my life, probably." Gordon swiped his hand over his cheek, wiping away a few deep trickles of blood for only a second before they came rushing back. The sight wasn't comforting. "I have like, twenty years of thinking to catch up on, and I'm sure that  _ you _ had twenty years of thinking already in that head of yours somewhere. I'm tryna find my place here, man."

He didn't listen. Sorry, Gordon. "wh-- you're bleeding? stop, please thank you?"

Gordon smacked his lips-- Benrey tried to hide his surprise at seeing him doing one of  _ his _ stims-- and rolled his eyes. "Like I  _ want _ to bleed? It's-- a shot grazed me, fucked up my ear the most but it's- this fine, it'll stop eventually, I think. Plus there's a med station right there." He shrugged down the hall, and Benrey finally looked away from him to see that, Yes, there  _ was _ a med station down the hall.

Gordon didn't move. Benrey looked at him a second longer, and then it clicked. He might be trying to think, make up for those missing years, but he still had some trauma it seemed. Benrey took the lead, walking down the hall and pointedly ignored Gordon shouting something along the lines of "how did you get shot and not tell me??" Before jamming his palm against the machine, feeling bug juice get injected into him with a defined click and whirr. It was  _ gross _ and he  _ hated  _ it, it was only supposed to be used if you were wearing a suit or had a way to distribute it better, but he could already feel his leg begin to numb and heal so he could excuse it. 

It was for Gordon, so he was fine testing the dumb machine and showing it was safe until  _ he _ felt safe.

Said physicist went over to the station right away, switching the crowbar to his other hand and pressing his empty palm against the station. He only gave a slight flinch as the suit took care of the work for him, and Benrey watched as the cut on his face and the notch taken out of his ear (that he just noticed, that was so fucking close to his head, Gordon could have  _ died  _ back there and he didn't even notice in time?) sealed themselves up. Once he was done, he pulled his hand away and rubbed away the drying blood, looking over to the eldritch being.

"We good?"

"yea." He lied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Benrey be like "i might have been shot in the leg and could have possibly bled out, but you got a cut on your face and that cant fucking stand im going to murder everyone that even THOUGHT about hurting you"


End file.
